Favorite Smorgass Bored Posts/Threads

Lol...it's been 4 hours and not one single post to this thread! Good stuff...greenie for you sir.

Lots of them were great, this one made me laugh alot:
http://forums.azbilliards.com/showpost.php?p=569286&postcount=80

In a thread where some people were talking about some pool commentary I had done, !Smorgassbored as he is now registered, responded to Catahula's quote below.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catahula
I enjoyed every minute of it. It was nice to put a voice with your many intelligent posts.

From !Smorgassbored:
I am very proud of JoeyA.
It just goes to prove that all the time spent hanging around with me and learning proper English paid off.

Doug
(DVD sales should SOAR if JoeyA. buys a copy of every match he commentated and gives them away to his friends for Christmas.... imo)

Doug always enjoyed getting in a little dig on his buddy from New Orleans. He was a good friend and one of the funniest posters on AZBilliards.

My favorite post by Smorgie occurred on another forum, RSB NG. I was the token noob of the group. I hadn't posted on the Internet in my life, so this was a brand-new experience for me. I soon learned the ropes after a few verbal swipes from veteran posters, so I started swinging back.

I made the typical newbie faux pas by correcting someone's spelling in a thread, and Smorgie replied:

JAM astounded me with:
"And I've probably typed more typos in my lifetime than all of the
posters in this chatroom combined. At 150-plus words per minute, I thank the good Lord for spell-check."

(*<~ 150 WORDS PER MINUTE?
Yipes! Not only am I unable to 'read' 150 words per minute, I can't even 'think' that fast.

btw newbie, this is NOT a chat room.
IT IS A NEWSGROUP !
NEXT, Doug
~>*(((>< Big fish eat Little fish ><)))*<~

To which I replied:

I'm sorry about that. Let me find my way back through this crowd of chattering monkeys here and get back to my designated Newbie corner.

JAM (Monkey see, monkey do?)

And then Smorgie hit me with this:

(*<~ Nope ! Monkey see, monkey do-do.....imo
NEXT, Doug ~>*(((>< Big fish eat Little fish ><)))*<~

I'm not sure why, but that really tickled my funny bone. Smorgie and I became online friends right from there. We developed an Internet friendship exchanging messages back and forth, public and private. RSB, from what I've been told, used to be a good pool NG at one time. There was a lot of good content there, and the camaraderie of its members was strong.

Between the multiple-identitied trolls and bullies, though, it soon became a playground for keyboard cowboys and cowgirls who didn't really write much about pool anymore. Rather, they were more interested in throwing computer-sniping suckerpunches for entertainment.

I came late to the RSB scene, and I feel bad for the original veteran members and the so-called "Gang of 10" that it disintegrated into a hellish pit of despair.

Here is a link to the RSB Rogues Gallery. Y'all just might see some familiar faces on here: http://members.fortunecity.com/rsbrogue/w.htm#smorgass

I miss 'ol Smorgie!!! With as many tight-a$$ed individuals as we have on this forum, we need some daily humor injected into some threads. He made my visit here a LOT more enjoyable.

Thank goodness we have people like Tramp Steamer, btoneill, Newstroke, and the likes of those on here to take up the slack!!!

Maniac

I lost the ultimate beloved uncle a few days ago. A huge loss to my family. I have a soft spot for what smorgie provided this forum. I offer this: the card throwing bowling impossible gambler story. I'm on my iPhone so if someone could find this thread I promise you will enjoy it. Also the story of "jimbob". It's priceless. Love you Uncle Bill and Smorg

Not my all-time favorite, but ONE of my favorites from RSB -

Kirk Douglass wrote :
The only time I personally SEEN you gamble was at P-9 ball and you were
playing cheap one-pocket, sorry I wasn't aware you'd 'send it'.


(*<~ Well Kirk, since you didn't bother to introduce yourself to me,I
have no idea when you were at P-9-Ball. As I've mentioned MANY times
here, I'm in the one-pocket learning process and as poorly as I play I
shouldn't be gambling AT ALL... imo
While most of my daily action at one- pocket is for $5,$10 or $20, I
have played some races to four for $100 and one day I played 12 hours at
$30 a game (I came out 9 games ontop). With the 'proper spot' I'd
probably bet it up some and if I get stuck I'm known to cast off ALL
lines and go sailing. I once played $100 a game nineball and $100 a game
sixball on adjoining tables at the same time (switching back & forth) as
the sun rose and set a few times.
As I've reached this mellow old age I've lost the marathon stamina and
sharp eyes that I once attained with amphetamines and the possibility of
having to live under a bridge is not as attractive as it once
seemed,BUT, I still go off like a rocket from time to time. I've just
never gotten over the habit of taking the worst of it.
ciao,
Doug
~>*(((>< Big fish eat Little fish ><)))*<~


http://groups.google.com/group/rec.sport.billiard/msg/dbac99b660050535

Blackjack said:

Not my all-time favorite, but ONE of my favorites from RSB -

Kirk Douglass wrote :
The only time I personally SEEN you gamble was at P-9 ball and you were
playing cheap one-pocket, sorry I wasn't aware you'd 'send it'.


(*<~ Well Kirk, since you didn't bother to introduce yourself to me,I
have no idea when you were at P-9-Ball. As I've mentioned MANY times
here, I'm in the one-pocket learning process and as poorly as I play I
shouldn't be gambling AT ALL... imo
While most of my daily action at one- pocket is for $5,$10 or $20, I
have played some races to four for $100 and one day I played 12 hours at
$30 a game (I came out 9 games ontop). With the 'proper spot' I'd
probably bet it up some and if I get stuck I'm known to cast off ALL
lines and go sailing. I once played $100 a game nineball and $100 a game
sixball on adjoining tables at the same time (switching back & forth) as
the sun rose and set a few times.
As I've reached this mellow old age I've lost the marathon stamina and
sharp eyes that I once attained with amphetamines and the possibility of
having to live under a bridge is not as attractive as it once
seemed,BUT, I still go off like a rocket from time to time. I've just
never gotten over the habit of taking the worst of it.
ciao,
Doug
~>*(((>< Big fish eat Little fish ><)))*<~


http://groups.google.com/group/rec.sport.billiard/msg/dbac99b660050535

Click to expand...

I had forgotten this one. This was the essence of !Smorgassbored's gambling side and wit.

JoeyA

Smorg's posts never die. Thanks for sharing these, always brings a smile on my face

Smorg was the greatest.

Whenever you saw a post or reply from the guy it was an instant "must view". Twas no tellin what the hell the guy had said lol. Great wit and perspective.

My vote for favorite would be the "bob bet" story. Jeebus that was some funny sh!t.
Hadn't seen it that thread in forever but I remember it well.

In honor of Uncle Bill & !SmorgassBored.

The Whole Joint Got Hustled - 11-20-2008, 12:45 PM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An oldie, but a goodie, posted by me almost 12 years ago in RSB. This is for the young uns:

I made up the name SONRA (using an 8 ball as the 'O') when Billy Songy and Billy Rainey were preparing to open a lounge/poolroom in New Orleans (Kenner).

On any given night, you might find a who's who of pool in the joint, such as Buddy Hall, Benny "The Goose", Bill Stack, New York Blackie, Cliff Brown, Whoppie, Painter, Dan Louie and me and my running buddies and anyone that played pool in New Orleans.

From 1997:
Subject: Bar Bets (Hoist On Your Own Petard)


One night I was hanging out at the Sonra Lounge (tucked in behind the cinema and on a canal) on Vets Hwy. in New Orleans,it was THE action spot from the mid 70's to the mid 80's and EVERY form of hustle was run
AND bet on in this bar.

On this particular night a stranger says to everyone and no-one in particular," I can KNOCK DOWN the headpin in a bowling alley with a playing card." Twenty heads swiveled at the same time to see who had made this claim.
The stranger says," I'll stand at the foul line and I get to throw the complete deck and I'll knock the front pin over." So, right away I pipe up with ,"yeah,you'll leave all the cards in the box and throw the whole box."(Which would still be a pretty neat trick) The stranger says," no,I'm going to throw the cards ONE card at a time and I get to use the whole deck." So, once again I butt in and say," sure,you're going to tape one of the cards to a bowling ball or some other object and then throw it and knock over the pin." He says,"Nope,it will be knocked over with only one card or else I lose."

Well, it just so happens that there's a bowling alley about 3-4 blocks up the street, which is closed,BUT,the manager comes to this bar every night after closing and is willing to re-open for all of us to make this bet (plus he wants some of the action too).
Well, everybody in the bar puts up all the cash they can afford and Billy takes some cash from the register and since no-one will stay and keep an eye on the bar,they close up and 25-30 people (poolplayers mostly and a few degenerate gamblers) empty the parking lot and drive down to the bowling alley. Since there's thirty of
us and only two of them and WE'RE holding the money,we aren't about to lose because of the "wording" of this bet. After all, there's over a $1000 riding on this.

Well, what none of us knew then (but we do now) is that a bowling pin is not completely FLAT on the bottom and this stranger,squatted down low and slung the 1st card out of a brand new deck AND lo & behold, it slid UNDER the front edge of that pin. And as he continued to throw,each subsequent card slid at what looked like a
hundred miles an hour and landed under the pin OR a previously thrown card. After a few more throws,you could see the light dawning on the faces of thirty very unhappy campers (including my total net worth betting ass) The pin started to lean and while still holding a few cards the next throw toppled the pin.You could have heard a pin drop ( I just COULDN'T resist the pun) as the banker handed over all our cash. I mean , he did what he claimed and he got paid.

That night was one of the saddest nights ever back at the Sonra Lounge as everyone sat around bumming drinks and blaming each other for taking the bet. I'd like to say that it was the last time I went tapped betting on someone's hustle,but I'd be lying. Once a sucker,always a
sucker. Oh, and long before he was on TV, Harry Anderson came in on the hustle and snagged quite a few of us (he shot pretty good pool too). I believe that he was arrested while he was in N.O.
Also, Waylon Flowers came in and got drunk after his last local performance and then sent a gofer back to his hotel room for his puppet "MADAME" (the old-broad puppet,from Hollywood Squares) and put on the FUNNIEST most risque' show that I've ever seen in my life. What a dirty mouth on that old broad.
Someday,I'll tell you about the guy that swallowed the pool stick.


Doug
(*<~ Big Fish EAT Little Fish ~>*)



*Happy 64th Birthday to Pelican today.

jim bob

I laughed so hard at this post that I copied it into a word file, my apologies if the formatting is wrong, all the words are smorgs.....




Originally Posted by Smorgass Bored

(*<~ It was on my way home from New Orleans two weeks ago ......
<insert flashback music here>

I stopped at my brother's workplace and was talked into spending two days at Spring Break assisting the young girls in their wet T-shirt competitions and bikini contests. Man, I've still got it and so do they.

Anyway, it seems that brother lives ON THE BEACH (about 100' to the surf) of the Gulf of Mexico in a beautiful 3 bedroom home will ALL the amenities (I'd like to swap places with him- including significant other). He lives just east of Panama City in a little beach community called St. Joe Beach. There is a place there (within crawling distance of the house) called "Regan's Pub & Oyster Bar" Est. Nov.14th 2000 157,920 Oyster's Shucked (when the t-shirt was printed).

After a hard day of rubbing up against nubile young things in Panama
City we ended up at Regan's depleting their oyster stock and keeping the
'shucker' employed. The bar area had a 4x8 pooltable and the proximity to the beach and the breeze had it in the lower 50?. I had on my Planet 9-Ball jacket with the BIG logo of a planet that looks like a 9-ball (duh).

All the locals wanted to challenge my brother and I to some partners 8-ball and we obliged. We won every game for hours, no matter what rules they made up
along the way. We stopped to take a break and eat MORE oysters and one of the players asked me what I 'did' in Tampa. I told him that I was a professional pool player (my brother almost blew an oyster out of his nose).

This fellow named Jim-Bob wanted to play me heads up. I told him that I'd play, but I wouldn't play cheap. He told me that he didn't care WHAT we played for as he racked the balls and I prepared to break. I'd told him that I was called Tampa Tubby and as I smashed the balls I exclaimed that I was playing him for his 'Bob'.

At first, he thought that I was kidding, but as it dawned on him that I was serious he became VERY nervous. All activity stopped in the building as EVERYONE came to sweat this game. The most serious game to ever take place in St. Joe Beach,Fl. I got down to the eightball and Jim-Bob said that I had to
'bank it' AND we were also playing last pocket 8-ball. I'd made my last ball in the side pocket and was in trouble with the way his balls were laying on the table. When I asked if I could play the eight off of one of his balls and he said yes, I kicked the eight from near the end rail and off his ball into 'my' side pocket. GAME OVER. I'd won 'the Bob'.

Everyone laughed and cheered while now calling me "Tampa Tubby-Bob". At the same time,everyone now called Jim-Bob simply JIM. Jim was devasted. It was sinking in that he had lost his 'Bob' and he didn't like it one little bit. People were now calling him 'Bobless' and his boss (who was present) threatened to fire him and make him 'Jobless Bobless'. He's been 'Bobbited'. He wanted a re-match. I said NO. I told him that I would return in exactly one year and play him ONE GAME and an opportunity to win his 'Bob' back.

I've spoken to my brother a few times since I've left St. Joe Beach and he assures me NOONE has called him Jim-Bob since he lost and that the word has spread up & down the beach. They're planning a big 'special day' for next year and my return. I'm thinking about breaking out my sling,walker, eye-patch, etc. to make it REALLY exciting.

I know that I dance to beat of a different drum (at least I didn't insist that he throw in a moon pie), but everyone seems to like it (so far). I didn't get a BOP on the nose. Life is good. Does it get any better than this ?


Tampa Tubby-Bob

That was the JimBob story I spoke of. Thank you so much. I searched hard to no avail.

Jim-Bob becoming Bobless is one of my favourite Smorgie storys. Soooo funny :grin:

One of my faves....

She Loved Telling Her "Creature" Story To Anyone That Would Listen

Mike, you know that you and your wife remain in my prayers. This may not be the time or place to post this, but my mother and I (and the rest of our family) laughed about this until the day she died.

My mother went into the hospital to have her spleen removed and during the operation, they discoved cancer on her lymph nodes. The operation took much longer than expected and I spent the time in the hospital chapel praying for her and making promises to God.

They took her to I.C.U. after her surgery. The movie E.T. had recently come out and I bought her a large (about 12") stuffed E.T. figure with big bulbous eyes. Eventually that night, they let me into her room to see her for 5 minutes, but she was out like a light. I hung the stuffed E.T. on the tall metal stand used for fluid drips at the foot of her bed and left for the night.

I found out later that she awoke during the night and with no light in the room, except for moonlight from the open window, she could barley make out the huge clock on the wall and the second hand that jumped from second to second. It was during one of her awake moments that she first saw THE CREATURE with 'big eyes' seeming to float in space at the foot of her bed. She was terrified. She put her pillow on her head and pulled the sheet up to her eyes.

She said later, that it was the longest, most terrifying night of her life and even as the sun slowly rose, she STILL didn't know what the hell that was staring at her with those great big eyes. Oy-Vey, I never lauged so hard as she realated this to me on the phone.

They had a drip in her arm and she told me there was a great big air bubble moving down the line and if it went into her arm, she would die from it. I told her to press the nurse's call button for immediate assistance.

She kept pressing the call button, telling me that noone was responding and giving me a blow by blow description on the progress of the AIR BUBBLE. It's 24 inches away, 23 1/2 inches away, it's getting closer, nobody is coming, it's 20 inches away and on and on.

Finally, she said "IT'S GOING INTO MY ARM NOW", it's in there, I Love You........ GOODBYE. There was a heavy sigh and then nothing. She was gone and I began to cry. After about a minute (which seemed like a year) she softly said, "Hello, HELLO". I said, "Mom, you're ALIVE."
She said, "Yes, and that damned creature is STILL staring at me."

When she got home, her little dog adopted that stuffed animal as it's own and carried it gently to whichever room my mother happened to be in. When my mother passed away, I placed The Creature in the foot of her casket to keep her company and scare the hell out of her if she ever opens her eyes again...... God bless you in these trying times, Mike.
Doug
( laughter is the best medicine.... imo )

Literally lol