Pool Novel

RunoutJJ

Professional Banger
Silver Member
Ive never have shared this with anybody but you pool nuts would be the perfect people for honesty. Just remember this is a very rough draft of a story im trying to write.... I hope you like it.




He awoke when the sun broke through the crack of the rail car door. Sharp, intense and warm. It was mid August and the train was headed out west to California. Oakland to be exact. The city by the bay. There is were he will be tested to see if he is indeed the greatest player alive today. His pockets are stuff tight with 20, 50 and 100 dollar bills. The trip that stared in Florida has been very prosperous. Winning almost all of his matches. The one he did lose were to be considered seed money. Like planting a seed and watch it grow tall and swell with lush fruits. Of course thats what you would like to think if you did indeed lose. They say you cant win them all and that may be true but... Sometimes losing is actually winning.


This young talented hustler goes by the name Jesse James. You heard that right. The gun slinger with pin point accuracy and total command of the pearl white ball. Floating from shot to shot. Caressing balls down the rail until the run out of steam and lightly tumbled into the pocket. Other times the sound of a crisp hard click to force the spin on the object ball and pop the rock over for the perfect angle on the next ball. Everything was just there. In the moment. Him knowing mid stroke that its going in and the next ball too. Its a beautiful feeling. To be in dead stroke. In the zone. Just you and the table. The stereo speakers could be pumping out Rock n Roll but he wouldnt hear it. He would be in a state of complete awareness. Or be what some people say... Unconscious. This is a realm that Jesse visits often.


You have to play at this level or higher if you want to stay on the road. Being a road player takes guts. It takes cunning and the ability to manipulate others and talk the talk. You also need to have the state of mind that picks up on trouble or sticky situations. Sometimes not getting a game is the best thing for you. Being a stranger in a town where you dont know anyone can be as cold and brutal as a northern winter.
 

JAM

AzB Silver Member
Silver Member
Excellent. Great writing. This is good. You should keep it going. You have talent.:cool:

One small, very minute suggestion is to get a copy-editer or someone to proofread and edit for punctuation and spellings. Not a big deal, though, because I understood every word. My brain is just wired differently than most when I read. It is an occupational hazard with me. :wink:

Thanks for sharing! :smiling-heart:
 

jimmyco

NRA4Life
Silver Member
A little Jack London, a little Walter Tevis.

Add a little more JJ and cannot wait to read more.
 

qbilder

slower than snails
Silver Member
Excellent. Great writing. This is good. You should keep it going. You have talent.:cool:

One small, very minute suggestion is to get a copy-editer or someone to proofread and edit for punctuation and spellings. Not a big deal, though, because I understood every word. My brain is just wired differently than most when I read. It is an occupational hazard with me. :wink:

Thanks for sharing! :smiling-heart:

I'd echo what she said. I hope you stick with it to completion. It's a great start:thumbup:
 

ceebee

AzB Silver Member
Silver Member
Great start... hope you finish it. One of my buddy;s has written a book & a screen Play about a Player. I think it's a dynamite story & it's written to have a sequel(s). If he gets a start or JJ gets a start, we'll all be playing Pool with more people... What a Concept.!!
 

logical

Loose Rack
Silver Member
I'd think about making may two/three-sentence pairs a single sentence separated by a comma and checking subject relationships..

The trip that stared in Florida has been very prosperous. Winning almost all of his matches.

The trip that started in Florida has been very prosperous, he won almost all of his matches.


It was mid August and the train was headed out west to California. Oakland to be exact. The city by the bay.

It was mid August and the train was headed out west to California, his exact destination was the City by the Bay, Oakland.


I know it's a style, but it can be hard to read if he isn't Sam Spade.
 
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RunoutJJ

Professional Banger
Silver Member
I'd think about making may two/three-sentence pairs a single sentence separated by a comma and checking subject relationships..

The trip that stared in Florida has been very prosperous. Winning almost all of his matches.

The trip that started in Florida has been very prosperous, he won almost all of his matches.


It was mid August and the train was headed out west to California. Oakland to be exact. The city by the bay.

It was mid August and the train was headed out west to California, his exact destination was the City by the Bay, Oakland.


I know it's a style, but it can be hard to read if he isn't Sam Spade.


That's why you hire an Editor. Not the best when it comes to proper English. The ideas and picture are there but i get it what you are saying.:)
 

bbhistorian

AzB Silver Member
Silver Member
Interesting! Best of luck! Remember-- most people won't even try.

Speaking from experience, I wrote a novel in 2017. It's more about poker than pool, or rather, more specifically, it is more about a con man and it is set in a poker room. It does feature a few pool players, a cue maker and some other landmarks some DC locals on here would definitely recognize. Write what you know, you know?

For what it's worth, I've found an amazing amount of information and very helpful folks on the Absolute Write Forums (only other forum to which I belong).

Obviously here you'll get a better gauge of how you are representing the realities of the pool room and pool player life, etc, but if you hit any creative or technical snags there are folks over there happy to help. When you are ready for Beta readers I'd love to read it. They encourage critiquing others over there, but I always hesitate because I'm not sure I'm qualified for that role. In this case however, I happen to speak both languages (pool and writing)!

Again- Best wishes!!
 

pltrgyst

Registered
I'd think about making may two/three-sentence pairs a single sentence separated by a comma ...
....
The trip that started in Florida has been very prosperous, he won almost all of his matches.
.....
It was mid August and the train was headed out west to California, his exact destination was the City by the Bay, Oakland.

You can't create valid sentences by joining two simple sentences with a comma (at least not in English).Those bad examples are called "run-on sentences".

His narrative is creative, but he needs a copy editor who is a strong grammarian.
 

hobart

Registered
That's why you hire an Editor. Not the best when it comes to proper English. The ideas and picture are there but i get it what you are saying.:)
Proper english and pool do not mix....
Tom McGonagle tried his hand at revitalizing pool with a book, it was lame. And when reading the love parts all I could see was Tom's eager eyes when lining up a shot... Pool is dead, play it on your phone or bring some water & snacks to your local APA match and demand free table time for 13 hours before and after league.... Bar tables for the win! :thumbup:
 

Rubik's Cube

Pool Ball Collector
Silver Member
Good afternoon, RunoutJJ. Great work, sir!

Writing on a subject for which you hold such an obvious passion is sure to prove a truly rewarding endeavour. And you're definitely on the right track in seeking feedback from a few likeminded souls on the forum, there are some very knowledgeable people on here for sure. I posted up a chapter from my own book last year and every response, be it constructive criticism or a few words of generous support, was sincerely appreciated.

My tuppence worth of advice to you, dear chap, would be to strive for originality and also trust your own instincts... they are important, too. If you like what you have written, there is a great chance that other folks will as well.

Good luck. :)
 

arthurbacon

Registered
Dear Sir,

I tell my students NOT to put out anything that is not finished and first-rate. First of all, as an artist your ideas are (presumably) unique and you should not want anybody else to mess with them, even your girlfriend or best pool buddy. Outsiders can screw up an art project faster than Billionaire Boy Trump can screw up age-old alliances and dependable trade partners. Work hard, alone. Struggle every day on your project and go over and over it and do not put it out there until it is a totally finished job. Okay, when you think it is finished, THEN you can have your relatives and friends read it to look for typos and other mistakes but not before. You should not expect us to correct a plethora of grammatical and typographical mistakes.

What you have presented to us is little more than an interesting idea. Who doesn't dream about writing the great American novel? I am a grammar Nazi. I admit it, Sieg Heil! Read the very first sentence of your query; it is not a grammatically correct sentence. The first paragraph of your story is so full of errors one would have to be a really, really good friend to read on; and San Francisco is the "City by the Bay" not Oakland.

Essentially, what you have done is ask Scott Frost for a game of One Pocket without having a clue how to play the game. You must have respect for your superiors (their time and expertise) as well as your peers and those from whom you are asking for help.

Listen carefully amigo. WRITING IS RE-WRITING. Hemingway wrote the last page of a Farewell to Arms something like 39 times; whatever the exact umber was, it was a LOT.

You could not even find the time to go over your request and the first few paragraphs of your story to make sure they were absolutely PERFECT.

I'm sorry to sound like an a-hole but if you want our best effort in reading and commenting on your story you need to give us your BEST effort.
 

logical

Loose Rack
Silver Member
You can't create valid sentences by joining two simple sentences with a comma (at least not in English).Those bad examples are called "run-on sentences".

His narrative is creative, but he needs a copy editor who is a strong grammarian.
I was going for "slightly easier to read", not perfect. You are of course correct.

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
 

Art Amato

Registered
First of all, allow me to congratulate you for taking the time and effort to undertake, what I would call, a very difficult task. I have wanted to write a book for the past thirty years and have not even come close to what you have achieved so far. I commend you sir.

Secondly, keep us up to date on more of your writing as you progress with your book.

And finally, no matter how many copies you sell, at least you can feel that you have accomplished your goal. Perhaps you have given others like me the desire to get off our lazy butts and write a book as you are doing

Good luck with your endeavor.
 

arthurbacon

Registered
Good afternoon, RunoutJJ. Great work, sir!

Writing on a subject for which you hold such an obvious passion is sure to prove a truly rewarding endeavour. And you're definitely on the right track in seeking feedback from a few likeminded souls on the forum, there are some very knowledgeable people on here for sure. I posted up a chapter from my own book last year and every response, be it constructive criticism or a few words of generous support, was sincerely appreciated.

My tuppence worth of advice to you, dear chap, would be to strive for originality and also trust your own instincts... they are important, too. If you like what you have written, there is a great chance that other folks will as well.

Good luck. :)
Dear Sir,

I entreat my students to NOT publically show anything that is not finished and first-rate (I teach photography). Like the athlete; never give us anything but your best effort. First of all, as an artist your ideas are (presumably) unique and you should not want anybody else to mess with them, even your girlfriend or best pool buddy. Outsiders can screw up an art project faster than Billionaire Boy Trump can screw up age-old alliances and dependable trade partners. Work hard, alone. Struggle every day on your project and go over and over it and do not put it out there until it is a totally finished job. Okay, when you think it is finished, THEN you can have your relatives and friends read it to look for typos and other mistakes a grammar checker might miss, but not before. You should not expect us to correct a plethora of grammatical and typographical mistakes.

What you have presented to us is little more than an interesting idea. Who doesn't dream about writing the great American novel? I am a grammar Nazi. I admit it, Sieg Heil! Read the very first sentence of your query; it is not a grammatically correct sentence. The first paragraph of your story is so full of errors one would have to be a really, really good friend to read any more; and San Francisco is the "City by the Bay" NOT Oakland. As Mies Van Der Rhoe famously said, “Le bon dieux est dan les details”.

Essentially, what you have done is ask Scott Frost for a game of One Pocket without having a clue how to play the game. You must have respect for your superiors (their time and expertise) as well as your peers and those from whom you are asking for help.

Listen carefully amigo. WRITING IS RE-WRITING. Hemingway wrote the last page of a Farewell to Arms something like 39 times; whatever the exact umber was, it was a LOT.

You could not even find the time to go over your request and the first few paragraphs of your story to make sure they were absolutely PERFECT.

I'm sorry to sound like an a-hole but if you want our best effort in reading and commenting on your story you need to give us your BEST effort.
 
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