The Joke Thread
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The Joke Thread - 04-19-2008, 07:03 AM

I'll get things rolling:

Old Joe was turning 90, so his pals at the nursing home pooled their dough and threw him a party. They hired a hooker to come in, and she sat down on Joe's lap and said, "I'm here to give you some super sex."

Joe smiles and pats her on the knee: "Thanks honey," he says. "I'll have the soup."

Last edited by 9BallPaul; 05-10-2008 at 07:50 PM.
  
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04-19-2008, 07:43 AM

Why do women wear make-up and perfume?




Because they're ugly and they stink.
  
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Bomb Squad Humor
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Bomb Squad Humor - 04-19-2008, 07:54 AM

You need a sense of humor to do this job.
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04-19-2008, 08:05 AM

My wife told me to give her 8 inches and make it hurt.....


So I screwed her twice and beat the hell out of her.
  
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How lawyers think
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How lawyers think - 04-19-2008, 08:31 AM

Two lawyers walking down the street, they spot a drop-dead gorgeous woman walking past.

"Wow, I'd like to f*uck her," one lawyer says to the other.

"Out of what?"
  
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04-19-2008, 09:56 AM

A man has just bought an antique grandfather clock which belonged to George Washington for $1,000.000.00.

As he is struggling taking it to his truck parked in front of the store, a drunk staggers into the combination and everyone goes crashing to the sidewalk and the clock is demolished.

The man us furious, and screams at the drunk "YOU OWE ME ONE MILLION DOLLARS FOR DESTROYING MY MAGNIFICENT TIME PIECE!"

The drunk says "I don't know why you wanna blame it on me, it's not my fault?"

The man exclaims "YOU NINNYHAMMER! HOW CAN YOU DENY LIABILITY?"

The drunk says "Well, if you wore a wristwatch like everyone else this wouldn't have happened!"

LWW
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"Whether or not its a lie is irrelevant."
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"I have better things to do than worry about fact checking whats being published ..."
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"I support Antifa"
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"I have high hopes that you (LWW) and your sympathizers will be led to the gallows."
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04-19-2008, 10:13 AM

The Pink Envelope...

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno "


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04-19-2008, 10:14 AM

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks
down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery,
knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?"

The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner
and even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange
sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard
before. Mystical and spiritual, full of beauty.

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into
crashing his ship comes to his mind.

He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns
trying to figure out what could possibly be making
such an intriguing and seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound
was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after n ever being able to forget that
sound, the man returns to the monastery and pleads
for the answer again.

The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what
is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk,
then please, make me a Monk."

The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and
tell us how many blades of grass there are and the
exact number of grains of sand. When you find these
answers, you will have become a Monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a
gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the
monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a
gathering of all the Mo nks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful
sound, I travelled the earth and have found what
you asked for:

By design, the world is in a state of perpetual
change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can
know is himself, and only then if he is honest and
reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become
a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery
of the sacred sound."

The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the
head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The Monks give him the key and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door- it is made of stone.

The man is given the key to the stone door and he
opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

An d so it went that he needed keys to doors of
emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.
The sound has become very clear and definite. The
Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish
is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns
the knob and slowly pushes the door open. Falling
to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the
source of that haunting and seductive sound...

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk ..


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04-19-2008, 10:16 AM

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?'

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he op ened it and pulled out a picture, and said,

'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth.'

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. 'Now, ' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?'

The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'

The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!'

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, 'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'

'Yes! He only has one ear!'

The detective put his head in hi s hands and exclaimed,

'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!'

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but...' He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'

The blonde said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses .'
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture? '

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, 'Well, Hellooo o! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'


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04-19-2008, 10:18 AM

One winter morning a husband and wife in Denver were listening to
the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, 'We are
going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car
on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.'
So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplows can get through.'The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says, 'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You
must park....' Then the electric power went out. The good wife was
very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, 'Honey, I
don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on
so the snowplows can get through?'

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, 'Why don't you just
leave it in the garage this time?'

================================================== ===============================

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the
presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest
decided to say his own few words while they waited.

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.
I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered
my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police,
was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents,
embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs,
and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.

But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and
I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician
'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

================================================== ===========================================

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables,
a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly
shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over.
He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping
in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,
'We're not coming out until you leave.'

The old man frowned, 'I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim
naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding up the bucket, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'


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04-19-2008, 10:18 AM

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had
been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
empty needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife
to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched
with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'


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04-19-2008, 07:50 PM

Four nuns are driving down the street when they are hit by a truck. They all die on impact. They awaken at the pearly gates and greeted by St. Peter. He told them all that they have to answer one question before they could enter heaven.

St. Peter: First nun, step forward. Have you ever touched a penis?

Nun 1: (hangs her head in shame) Yes, but with only this one finger.

SP: Okay, dip that finger into the holy water and go on in to heaven.

SP: Nun 2, step forward. Same question, have you ever touched a penis?

Nun 2: (with guilty expression) Yes, with my whole hand.

SP: Okay, dip your hand in the holy water and go on it to heaven.

SP: Nun 3, step forward. (as she does this, nun 4 pushes her out of the way and approaches St. Peter)

SP: Nun 4, why did you do that????

Nun 4: I'll be damned if I'm going to gargle with that water after she sticks her a**hole in it!
  
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04-19-2008, 07:53 PM

Guy walks into a bar and says give me 12 shots of whiskey. The bartender lines them up and the guy immediately starts downing them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Man, you sure are in a hurry!"

Guy says, "You would be too if you had what I have."

"What do you have?"

"75 cents!"
  
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04-20-2008, 03:31 AM

Differnet guy walks into a bar:

Guy: "Give me 4 shots of Tequilla."

Bar Tender: "4 shots?! My God, what's the occassion?"

Guy: "Well, if you must know, my first blow job."

BT: "Congrats! The 5th shot is on me."

Guy: "Thanks, but no thanks. If 4 doesn't get the taste out I doubt 5 will."
  
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04-20-2008, 04:08 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hal
My wife told me to give her 8 inches and make it hurt.....


So I screwed her twice and beat the hell out of her.
That's a good one, Hal. I heard it like this

My wife told me she wanted 12 inches with pain, so I screwed three times and punched her in the mouth.


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