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04-23-2008, 02:47 PM

Dad used to say 'If ya don't stop that boy, you'll go blind."

I lost the sight in my right eye 2 years ago. Damned, good thing I'm not ambidextrous, I'd be completely blind.


  
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avmaster
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04-23-2008, 03:53 PM

Good advice...> > ********************* > >


An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, " I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"


He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


Playing cue: Kenny Murrell
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Common sense is not a gift, it's a punishment.This is because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.

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04-23-2008, 03:59 PM

(Note: Hinckley shot Reagan and had a crush on Jodi Foster)


To: John Hinckley

From: Bill Clinton

Dear John,
Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.
Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Bill & Hillary Clinton

PS: Barack Obama is humpin Jodie Foster.


Playing cue: Kenny Murrell
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04-23-2008, 04:05 PM

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new
Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
Lovemaking encounter. In
His highly aroused state, her husband readily
Agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more
Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to
Afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find
Her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer
Was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had
Been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age o f
64, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and
Therefore, they
Were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty
Years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly$1 million. Then she
Showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that
For the more than
Three decades she had "charged" him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied
And these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3
Million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but
Finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If
I'd had any idea what you
Were doing, I wo uld have given you all my
Business!"

T hat's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, some men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut. .


"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." - Aristotle

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04-24-2008, 05:50 PM

A city boy and a country boy were applying for the same job. And incidentally happened to have the same credentials too.
The manager doing the hiring looked at both of them while they were sitting in his office and could not decide who to hire. So he says to them both, "I don't know which one to hire so here is what I want you to do. Write a short poem that ends in Tin-buc-to." So they said OK and began writing frantically. After a few minutes they both were done.

The city boy offered to go first. His poem read, "Across the burning sands went our caravan. Side by side, 2 by 2, destination Tin-buc-to.

The manager was happy with the poem the city boy had written in such a short amount of time.
Then it was the country boys turn. His poem read, "Me and Tim a campin' we went. Came across 3 whores in a tent. Them being 3 and us being 2, I bucked 1 and Tim bucked 2."

Hope you enjoy!!!

Gary
  
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04-24-2008, 06:42 PM

The gunslinger & the Old Prospector

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey! in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, Hey old man, have you ever danced? The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No,I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said,'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping a round and everybody was laughing. W hen the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?'
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old guys.


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Break cue: 55 year old Helmstetter

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Little known facts......
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Talking Little known facts...... - 04-24-2008, 06:52 PM

The Human Body

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder.This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we are the way we are.

Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

You use 200 muscles to take one step.

The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.



A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

Your thumb is the same length of your nose.

At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test...now remove your thumb from your nose. It's rude.


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04-24-2008, 06:55 PM

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was 'something wrong' with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having
babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'
I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
of birth..'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted
to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I
noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for G~d's s ake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
scientifically

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not
in labor.. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just . just . . excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife star t ed to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just .that . .
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . teeny little . . '
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,'
he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!


Playing cue: Kenny Murrell
Break cue: 55 year old Helmstetter

Common sense is not a gift, it's a punishment.This is because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.

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04-24-2008, 06:56 PM

A case when arrogance is equal to stupidity!!

TEXAS Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'

The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, 'I have the authority of the State of TEXAS to go anywhere I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'

So the old farmer went about his chores.

It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loudscreams and yelling.

He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.

The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart Ass.... Show him your card!!


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!!!!!!!!
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!!!!!!!! - 04-25-2008, 11:52 AM

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said , 'Let's see. size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you , I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'


New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS


Playing cue: Kenny Murrell
Break cue: 55 year old Helmstetter

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04-25-2008, 01:50 PM

A neutron walks into a bar and says: How much for a beer?
The bartender replies, "For you......no charge!"

--------------------------------------------------

A duck walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey buddy, your pants are down"
  
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04-25-2008, 01:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by our_auctionguy
Dad used to say 'If ya don't stop that boy, you'll go blind."

I lost the sight in my right eye 2 years ago. Damned, good thing I'm not ambidextrous, I'd be completely blind.
son if you don't stop doing that you'll go blind.

dad, i'm over here.

M.C.


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Ahhhh Soooo
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avmaster
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Ahhhh Soooo - 04-25-2008, 03:58 PM

Chinese Wedding Night
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.> Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

'You want.....................Garlic Chicken> wif snow peas?'


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Break cue: 55 year old Helmstetter

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The new Concentration game for old men:
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The new Concentration game for old men: - 04-25-2008, 04:00 PM

http://www.hornygamer.com/games/concentration.swf


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04-25-2008, 05:01 PM

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bartender here?"
  
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