Your Fate
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Scaramouche
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Your Fate - 05-01-2008, 02:35 AM

GETTING OLD

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?"

************************************************** ********

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and
demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.


The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I
remember the guy you're talking about.

************************************************** ********

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida
Adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single...?!"

************************************************** ********


Two elderly people living in Stonecrest, he was a widower and she a
widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered "Yes.
Yes, I will!"

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not
even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I
meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A man was telling his neighbor in Sun City Center , "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at the local Medical
Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking
down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"

"Just doing what you said, Doc : 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful.'",Morris replied.

To which doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a
heart murmur, be careful!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper", an ice cream parlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "hemorrhoids."


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Dog for Sale
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Talking Dog for Sale - 05-01-2008, 12:50 PM

DOG FOR SALE


Even if you don't own a dog at present, you'll appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Read her sales pitch below...






Dog For Sale

Free to good home.

Excellent guard dog.

Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore,
as there are no more thieves, murderers,
or molesters left in the neighborhood
for him to eat.

Many of them called him "Oh My God!", "Holy Shit!" and other reverent affiliated names, just before he ate them. We affectionately call him Chewer because he is always chewing on something.
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avmaster
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05-02-2008, 02:44 AM

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ' Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'


Playing cue: Kenny Murrell
Break cue: 55 year old Helmstetter

Common sense is not a gift, it's a punishment.This is because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.

Hey, it's your world, I'm just passing through it......
  
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Scaramouche
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05-02-2008, 08:32 AM

Actual call centre conversations!


Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.

Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.

Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.

Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services (RAC = Royal Automobile Club)

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'

Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):

'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.

Customer: 'OK'.

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):


Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared.'

Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark??'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!'


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kobyp
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05-03-2008, 06:08 AM

Maria the maid asked for a pay increase.


The wife was very upset about this and asked:
'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'


Maria: 'Well Se?ora, there are three reasons
why I want an increase.The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'


Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'


Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Se?ora, the gardener did.'


She got the raise...


"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." - Aristotle

Player - Bill (the Cat) Shubert Cue
Break - McDermott w/OB1
Case - Instroke 2x4
  
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05-03-2008, 06:15 AM

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John,"this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments. " answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up,sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to Johnand delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,"Boy, did you ever ask for that one!You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.


"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." - Aristotle

Player - Bill (the Cat) Shubert Cue
Break - McDermott w/OB1
Case - Instroke 2x4
  
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worldison2
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05-04-2008, 10:29 AM

2 flies are on a toilet seat:

1 gets pissed-off!
  
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Stoopid Joke of the Day
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TX Poolnut
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Stoopid Joke of the Day - 05-04-2008, 12:10 PM

Why couldn't the weightlifter cross the road?












Traffic was too heavy.
  
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05-04-2008, 12:12 PM

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
  
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our_auctionguy
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05-04-2008, 02:34 PM

Teenager enounters his Grandfather out behind the barn"
"Grandpa! Are you jacking off???"

Grandpa: "Nah son... at my age, I'm just jacking."


  
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A Call From Ernesto
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jimmyg
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A Call From Ernesto - 05-04-2008, 04:37 PM

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. '

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart. '

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

?What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!'

'Yes, Senor Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?' ;

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club.'



SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE..........

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep $hit!!'
  
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05-06-2008, 12:38 PM

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a
most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black
hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first
one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.The
man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking
the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to
disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied,
'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the
second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to
help m y wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful
moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the
dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'


"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." - Aristotle

Player - Bill (the Cat) Shubert Cue
Break - McDermott w/OB1
Case - Instroke 2x4
  
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05-06-2008, 02:48 PM

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.

'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex


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05-06-2008, 02:51 PM

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place......smack his ass again!'


Born with the gift of laughter and a sense that the world is mad
  
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05-07-2008, 03:04 AM

Wedding night

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father
sat
him down for a
little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my
wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants,
handed
them to your mother, and
said, here - try these on. She did and
said,
these are too big, I can't
wear
them. I replied, Exactly, I wear the pants in this
family
and I always
will.
Ever since that night we never had any
problems.' Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought
that
might be a good thing to try so on his honeymoon, Mike
took
off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try
these
on.' She tried them on
and said, 'These are too large. They don't
fit
me.' Mike said, 'Exactly. I
wear the pants in this family and I always will...I don't want you
to ever forget that.' Then Karen took off her pants and handed
them
to Mike. She said,
Here-you try on mine.' He did and said, 'I can't get into your
pants.'
Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change
your
smart ass attitude,
you never will.'

And they lived happily ever after.


Playing cue: Kenny Murrell
Break cue: 55 year old Helmstetter

Common sense is not a gift, it's a punishment.This is because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.

Hey, it's your world, I'm just passing through it......
  
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