Funny pic/gif thread...
- Thread starter dfweyer
- Start date
imo you should get your man card pulled for drinking that chick beer. shock top and blue moon are no better than wine coolers. they taste more like juice than beer.
what ever happened to the good ol days when men were men. we drink whiskey and beer without putting fruit in it.
These days "men" drink fruity beer, wear skinny jeans and seem to own more shoes than most women. it's a damn shame what the worlds coming to. pretty soon someone will think up a reason for these skinny jean, fruity drink, make up wearers to use tampons once a month.
The funny pic would be deemed unacceptable on such an intellectually uplifting forum, so you must content yourselves with the narrative. :grin:
ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram
of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the
place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he
said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A
TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a
box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss
MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must
never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies..
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food
that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water,
only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets
of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it
with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric
system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the
whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -
and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and
urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with
a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose,
watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof,
you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic,
here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is
pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.
There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You
spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom,
spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you
figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another
liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your
bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that
you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had
been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.
I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize
to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be
enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms
said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy
people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took
off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments
designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually
naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my
left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very
good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some
people put vodka in their MoviPrep..
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but
then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy
to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in
full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your
house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure
room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew
Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously
nervous at this point..
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist
began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the
song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of
all the songs that could be playing during this particular
procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind
me..
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been
dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare
yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail,
exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and
the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a
very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It
was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I
have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam
were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following
are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male)
while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc.. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'Now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is
not up there?'
ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram
of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the
place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he
said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A
TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a
box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss
MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must
never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies..
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food
that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water,
only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets
of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it
with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric
system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the
whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -
and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and
urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with
a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose,
watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof,
you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic,
here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is
pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.
There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You
spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom,
spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you
figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another
liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your
bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that
you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had
been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.
I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize
to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be
enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms
said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy
people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took
off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments
designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually
naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my
left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very
good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some
people put vodka in their MoviPrep..
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but
then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy
to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in
full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your
house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure
room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew
Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously
nervous at this point..
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist
began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the
song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of
all the songs that could be playing during this particular
procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind
me..
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been
dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare
yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail,
exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and
the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a
very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It
was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I
have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam
were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following
are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male)
while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc.. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'Now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is
not up there?'
Banks
Banned
I drink PBR and shots of EW while at the bar($1.75 beer, $3 shot). When I'm home, I'd rather spend comparable money for something that tastes decent. As far as 'manly' beer goes, I'd guess that all 3 of those beers have more alcohol content than whatever you're talking about. Guiness? If I wanted a shake, I'd buy one. (Just looked it up, Guiness Draught - 4%, Guiness Foreign Extra Stout - 7.5%)
Brew Free or Die IPA - 7% - sold in cans
Lazy Boy IPA - 6.5% - sold in 22s
Ninkasi Tricerahops - 8.8% - sold in 22s
(above 3 #s gotten from their web sites, others from realbeer.com)
Bud Ice(bud's strongest) - 5.5%
I can down Natty Ice just like anyone else, or a warm Milwaukie Beast, but I'd rather have a good beer after work when I can afford it.
Keep in mind, Portland's uhh.. something like 1st in the nation in strip clubs per capita and 2nd in microbrews per capita. I don't need to drink crappy beer all day to get my woman off. But, if I ever do buy a pair of skinny jeans, you can be the second person to kick my ass.. right after I get done kicking my own ass. :thumbup:
How are you on the hot/spicy food? Some day, we can sit around and see who can eat the most spicy food and drink the worst beer. :yes:
Manure
Manure... An interesting fact
Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course.. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a pool term.
Manure... An interesting fact
Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course.. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a pool term.
Story is total BS. 
http://www.snopes.com/language/acronyms/shit.asp*
The word*shit*entered the modern English language via having been derived from the Old English nouns*scite*and*the Middle Low German*schite, both meaning "dung," and the Old English noun*scitte, meaning "diarrhea." Our most treasured cuss word has been with us a long time, showing up in written works both as a noun and as a verb as far back as the*14th century.*
http://www.snopes.com/language/acronyms/shit.asp*
The word*shit*entered the modern English language via having been derived from the Old English nouns*scite*and*the Middle Low German*schite, both meaning "dung," and the Old English noun*scitte, meaning "diarrhea." Our most treasured cuss word has been with us a long time, showing up in written works both as a noun and as a verb as far back as the*14th century.*
Just saw this one for the Hotwheels fans!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=e0Y8tmRYYiA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=e0Y8tmRYYiA
Classic! Should be a text book for college and pro athletes!
must have been his "Pictures of Mary"
Banks
Banned
Mr. and Ms. Michigan.. she's on bottom.
Ever since the economic downturn, Detroit's taken a good beating.