Best Lines You Ever Heard...

[Banker Burt]

It seems I remember a thread referring to "Best Poolroom Stories", but what about "Best One Liners"?

Got any?

Start with a situation, then follow with the line or lines used in relation to the situation (personal names or locations are not necessary, but could be used if in good taste). Keeping it short could make for some fun stuff.
(Here is an example of a line that I use all the time)

When a player wants a game and asks me for weight -
My response is, "Sure, how long do you want?"
They say, "How long? What do you mean how long?"
My response, "I will WAIT until you step up and play even!"

I know you all can do better than this lame line of mine ...

 

[lunchmoney]

Back in the 70's, when I had a lot of long hair, I was playing a redneck some 9 ball, After he left me a buried by playing a brutal safe he walked away from the table sayiing "Smoke that hippie"

Lunchmoney

 

[buddha162]

"someone call 911, I feel a stroke coming on..."

-Roger

 

[BANKONIT]

Best Line

While Playing A Very Overweight Fellow Who Doctor Just Just Told Him To Lose 30 Lbs. By The End Of The Month. He Went To The Counter Came Back With 6-zagnut Bars. I Asked What's This ? His Reply Was -- Last 3 Days Are Going To Be A ***** Huh.

 

[Harold Smith]

Spot

When someone ask me for weight I tell them I'll let them shoot everytime its their turn.---Smitty

 

[dashaw]

If I would have shot him when it was over then it would have been a murder and a robbery

 

[Rich R.]

Because of the nature of this one-liner, I won't give the name of the player who said it, but he is very famous. Some may be offended by the line, but I hope not. It was said in fun.

While playing 9-ball and in the middle of running one of many racks, he stopped, looked up, and said,

"If you come down half way, I'll give you the 8."

 

[Gerry]

Overheard while working in a pool room. "These tight pockets are like my speedos, you can't fit 2 balls in at a time!!

Gerry

 

[Banker Burt]

Good stuff gang

Here's another one -
While at the Reno open in the practice room, a bigtime gambler (more noted for his woofin' to get his prey to bite) he was barkin at everyone in the room. After much rantin and ravin he looked at a small group of bystanders and made direct eye contact with one of them. The guy being confronted was wearin a dirty baseball cap, wore glasses and looked like he hadn't slept in days.

The woofer says, "Hey you, I'll bet you won't put up 10 bucks and play any game!"

The guy responds, "Don't look at me, I had to give blood just to get a bus ticket up here."

Ahhh, justice prevails. It was hilarious, and to see the look on the woofer's face... no comeback line either.

 

[jrhendy]

If I'm running out to fast, I'll slow down

Years ago (late 70's) I was playing Morro some $50 9 ball outside of LA at the Golden Cue. He was robbing me, making 9's on the break, running out and lucking balls in & yelling "Mexican Shot" when he got lucky. Morro & I have been friends for many years, but gambled a lot in those days. I went broke & borrowed $500 from "Dado", a local Filipino, and jacked the best to $100 & everything turned around & I started doing the same thing to him he had been doing to me but for more $$. In those days Morro had the habit of moving around the table a lot and standing where he could see the shot. I was zoned in & he could have been standing on the table. I told him "If I start running out too fast & you don't have time to get there & stand in front of me, let me know & I'll slow down". I went from $500 stuck to $1,200 winner in a short time. On a side note, Dado let me have the $$ because he knew I was good for it, but thought I was locked up & he would have been in for a piece of the $500 if I lost it. Treacherous place that Golden Cue.

 

[JohnMorton]

Years ago (late 70's) I was playing Morro some $50 9 ball outside of LA at the Golden Cue. He was robbing me, making 9's on the break, running out and lucking balls in & yelling "Mexican Shot" when he got lucky. Morro & I have been friends for many years, but gambled a lot in those days. I went broke & borrowed $500 from "Dado", a local Filipino, and jacked the best to $100 & everything turned around & I started doing the same thing to him he had been doing to me but for more $$. In those days Morro had the habit of moving around the table a lot and standing where he could see the shot. I was zoned in & he could have been standing on the table. I told him "If I start running out too fast & you don't have time to get there & stand in front of me, let me know & I'll slow down". I went from $500 stuck to $1,200 winner in a short time. On a side note, Dado let me have the $$ because he knew I was good for it, but thought I was locked up & he would have been in for a piece of the $500 if I lost it. Treacherous place that Golden Cue.

I sure wish I could have been there to see that John.

 

[jnav447]

Guy they called Sunnyvale Gary was playing some champion from Mexico 9Ball and the guy was running out like rainwater, every time Gary tried to safe him, the fellow would make a spectacular kick. The guy from Mexico breaks, the cue ball jumps the table and lands right by Gary's foot. Gary nudges the ball a couple of inches with his foot and says "push out - your shot".

Danny Medina was playing a local shortstop 9Ball and when Danny broke, the cue ball was going straight up in the air. The shortstop yells out "if the cue ball hits the lights it's dead". Danny looks over, smiles, and says "partner, if I can make the cue ball hit the lights, the only thing dead is your money".

Few years ago, a backer comes in with his young protege'; a 9Ball match is made, and the road kid gets stuck the first 8 games. The kid starts roughing up the tip on his break cue; the backer looks over, shakes his head and says: "Son, ats lak puttin' new tars on a car what don't got no engine". Priceless.

 

[Colin Colenso]

Few years ago, a backer comes in with his young protege'; a 9Ball match is made, and the road kid gets stuck the first 8 games. The kid starts roughing up the tip on his break cue; the backer looks over, shakes his head and says: "Son, ats lak puttin' new tars on a car what don't got no engine". Priceless.

LMAO....Classic!

 

[sizl]

After you make a nice shot or a nice out you say.........
How can I lose with the juice I use!!!!!


Or if you have a person "dogging it" you can tell him that you have some WD-40 in the car to loosen his arm up

"I'm going to check your heartbeat" is another good one

 

[wakuljr]

if that had went in, you would have made it

 

[Slasher]

Probably not funny unless you put a thick northern English accent on it but here it is anyway.
Steve Webster on playing a nervous opponent.
"E were shakin like a shytin dog"

 

[sjm]

I recall sweating some of Larry "Boston Shorty" Johnson's one pocket action in the early 1980s. After he made a little mistake, giving his opponent a run out chance, he said to his opponent "Don't let me back to the table, or I'll shoot you right between the eyes." His opponent, somewhat rattled by this comment, missed the very first shot.

Boston Shorty was a colorful sort, wasn't he?

 

[Banker Burt]

Looking forward to more one-liners

I'm enjoyin the heck out these lines; classic, hilarious and shows the quick wit and imagination of our sports players. The push-out on the floor, the "New tars" and the "...slow down if you like" is even better than what I was hoping for from this thread.

True story - After winning the hot-seat against a very good player I was waiting as he went through the loser side to get back to me. While I was watching him play I could not stop thinking about the 20 bucks he had borrowed from me months earlier and that he hadn't mentioned it since. Well he walked right in to this one...

He was playing the finals of the loser side and he popped while playing another top west coast player and the dialogue went somthin like this-

The Borrower - "I'm catchin stroke, and I think I'll beat both these champions", referring to his opponent (who said nothin) and me.
Spectator - "I'll bet ya 20 bucks you won't!"
Borrower - I use twenties for toilet paper. Bet 200.00!

No bet happened and he went on to win the loser side. So before the finals started, I could not help myself from saying something about the unpaid debt -

Loaner(me) - "You said something about using twenties for toilet paper?"
Borrower - "Yeah?"
Loaner - "Can I ask you to do me a favor?"
Borrower - "What's that?"
Loaner - "Can you make sure you don't use one of those twenties (for tp) before paying me the one you owe me?"

Note - I never shark anyone (intentionally), but realize I probably did shock him pretty good. I got the win (worth 450.00), the last word and by his reaction to my comments it was worth tellin him to forget the twenty. I even bought him a beer.

 

[Donovan]

I called a ridculous crazy bank off the side pocket point 8 ball bank for last pocket. After it went in, and I was walking away never seeing it fall, the guy says, "Even God couldn't make that shot!" I simply said never looking at the guy, "That all depends on who you worship, now doesn't it."

 

[The Grinder]

1. "Just look at him, if it cost him something to know anything he'd be broke"

2. Two guys get in a huge brawl over a gambling debt ($3,500) cues broke chairs overturned one guy bleeding the other with a huge knot on his head and finaly the police break it up. So one guy says to the guy being escorted out something to the effect of don't ever let me see you again etc. etc. So the guy being escorted out stops by the counter and grabs a pen & paper and says "Here's my number we can do this every Tuesday"

3. "you can't beat the guy betting fifty, It's like shooting toothpicks at a lumber yard"