Search results

Accept the fact that some days you’re the pigeon - and some days you’re the statue!

Please don’t throw your cigarette butts on the floor; The cockroaches are getting cancer.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to avoid work.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and was a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said “Morning …” He said, “No, just taking a shit!”

I was walking down the road and saw my Arab neighbor, Abdul, standing on the fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, “What’s wrong, Abdul? Won’t it start?”

My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, “Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!” She looked at me and yelled, “You did this to me, you bastard!” I casually replied, “If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your butt, but, you said “That would hurt too much.”

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then, I realized that God doesn’t work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked Him for forgive me.

Things Confucius did NOT say..... Man who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night.

Things Confucius did NOT say..... Man who eats many prunes gets good run for his money.

Things Confucius did NOT say..... Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Things Confucius did NOT say..... Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.

So, a friend of mine asked me to turn down his recently purchased 13 mm pool cue shaft to 12.5 mm. No problem, but then, I got to thinking .... A mistake, I know. I looked up the dimensions of a typical Snooker Cue shaft, and found that they are typically 10 mm at the tip. So, I decided to...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.