Hi guys. I have been silently cogitating on our recent dismal Mosconi Cup performances. I have read all of the usual suggestions in order to get our beloved US players up to international snuff. Things like practice more, improve cueing mechanics, get more exposure in international competition, etc , ad naseum. This is pathetic group think, in my humble opinion. We’ve tried all of that, and our beloved ‘murica keeps coming up short, WAY short.
What we really need is a radical departure from the norm. What we really need is a team that strikes fear in the heart of our competition. One that will fill the other team with dreaded anticipation well in advance. I’m talking about a team that everyone knows is incapable of showing mercy. Behold, our actual 2016 Mosconi Cup team:
Shane Van Boening
Skyler Woodward
Mike Dechaine
Justin Bergman
Rodney Morris
Read each of these names aloud to yourself several times. Do any of these mere mortals inspire any of the feelings of impending doom that I am speaking of? No, not a chance. This group sounds like a band of rag tags cobbled together from the leavings from the local bar round about 2 am. This will not do. What we MUST do, if we as Americans ever wish to once again taste Mosconi Cup victory, is to rebrand and rename our beloved team, so as to intimidate our opponents and to leave them curled in a fetal position silently weeping at their mother’s feet.
Therefore, I humbly suggest that our players legally rename themselves as follows:
Shane Van Boening, now Titan Excalibur! Now that’s a name that commands authority, and has a nice medieval flare to boot! Also harkens back to mythical lore and celestial bodies. I mean, who would you bet on, Titan Excalibur, or some schmuck who goes by the moniker Daz?!?!?!?!???
Skyler Woodward, now Apocalypse Armageddon Rapture Woodward. My god, how team Europe would crumble, they are up against the End Times itself!
Mike Dechaine, now Lucifer Mephistopheles Beelzebub Dechaine. How you gonna beat the dark lord himself? C’mon guys, you gotta start thinkin’ here if you want to bring back the cup to its rightful home in the U.S. of A.
Justin Bergman, now simply Hydra. How can a mythical water monster be beaten by guys named Jayson, Mark, or Albin??? They can’t obviously. This is really just common sense!
Rodney Morris, now Gritz N’ Gravy. This name will throw off any opponent for sure. At a minimum, it will make Team Europe think longingly for a delicious breakfast, the most important meal of the day. With that on their already troubled, preoccupied mind, there will be no chance for them to find their game and the good ole USA will thunder onward to success!!!
Mark Wilson, now Washington Scott Lee Grant Pershing Eisenhwer MacArthur Patton. Now that screams leadership and dominating success. DUH!
So, there you have it my fellow AZB’ers. While most of you will bother wasting your time practicing and studying pool and suggesting the same of our Mosconi Cup players, the true path to immortal victory has been lurking under your noses all along. Please implore these fine players to change their names as per my suggestions and thus ensure the US’s future Mosconi Cup prosperity for years, nay, centuries to come!
Best,
JL
What we really need is a radical departure from the norm. What we really need is a team that strikes fear in the heart of our competition. One that will fill the other team with dreaded anticipation well in advance. I’m talking about a team that everyone knows is incapable of showing mercy. Behold, our actual 2016 Mosconi Cup team:
Shane Van Boening
Skyler Woodward
Mike Dechaine
Justin Bergman
Rodney Morris
Read each of these names aloud to yourself several times. Do any of these mere mortals inspire any of the feelings of impending doom that I am speaking of? No, not a chance. This group sounds like a band of rag tags cobbled together from the leavings from the local bar round about 2 am. This will not do. What we MUST do, if we as Americans ever wish to once again taste Mosconi Cup victory, is to rebrand and rename our beloved team, so as to intimidate our opponents and to leave them curled in a fetal position silently weeping at their mother’s feet.
Therefore, I humbly suggest that our players legally rename themselves as follows:
Shane Van Boening, now Titan Excalibur! Now that’s a name that commands authority, and has a nice medieval flare to boot! Also harkens back to mythical lore and celestial bodies. I mean, who would you bet on, Titan Excalibur, or some schmuck who goes by the moniker Daz?!?!?!?!???
Skyler Woodward, now Apocalypse Armageddon Rapture Woodward. My god, how team Europe would crumble, they are up against the End Times itself!
Mike Dechaine, now Lucifer Mephistopheles Beelzebub Dechaine. How you gonna beat the dark lord himself? C’mon guys, you gotta start thinkin’ here if you want to bring back the cup to its rightful home in the U.S. of A.
Justin Bergman, now simply Hydra. How can a mythical water monster be beaten by guys named Jayson, Mark, or Albin??? They can’t obviously. This is really just common sense!
Rodney Morris, now Gritz N’ Gravy. This name will throw off any opponent for sure. At a minimum, it will make Team Europe think longingly for a delicious breakfast, the most important meal of the day. With that on their already troubled, preoccupied mind, there will be no chance for them to find their game and the good ole USA will thunder onward to success!!!
Mark Wilson, now Washington Scott Lee Grant Pershing Eisenhwer MacArthur Patton. Now that screams leadership and dominating success. DUH!
So, there you have it my fellow AZB’ers. While most of you will bother wasting your time practicing and studying pool and suggesting the same of our Mosconi Cup players, the true path to immortal victory has been lurking under your noses all along. Please implore these fine players to change their names as per my suggestions and thus ensure the US’s future Mosconi Cup prosperity for years, nay, centuries to come!
Best,
JL
