Funny pic/gif thread...

coastydad

AzB Silver Member
Silver Member
Beware_of_Dawg said:
LOLZ

geregerbil.gif


OMG that's funny! I just spewed vodka out of my nose!
 

uwate

daydreaming about pool
Silver Member
Is Safeway the most diverse company on Earth? I mean look, they hire women, blacks, asians and even trannys!


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jason

Unprofessional everything
Silver Member
Wisdom from Larry the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It?s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
 

Flettir

AzB Silver Member
Silver Member
Nutrition and Heart Attacks

Final Word on Nutrition

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the USA.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the USA.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the USA.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the USA.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the USA.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
The government of the United States of America is trying to correct this problem.
 

DeepBanks

AzB Silver Member
Silver Member
Rodney was the KING . . .

Rodney Dangerfield?s Greatest One-Liners:

"I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!' "

"When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream."

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?' "

"When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."

I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy....I'd have nothing to play with.

"When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother."

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!

I was such an ugly kid........When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness....... AFTER I was born.

I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I'm so ugly my mother breast fed me through a straw.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him,
"Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I worked in a pet store. People kept askin' how big I get.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

I'm so ugly. My proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.

I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

I tried to get a hooker and she said, ?sorry, not on the first date.?

Let me tell ya about my girlfriend. Her nickname is Federal Express. That?s because when she goes to a guys apartment, she absolutely, positively HAS to be there overnight.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.?

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

"I never got any respect from my old man. I said, 'Nobody likes me.' He said, 'Don't feel that way. Everybody hasn't met you yet.' "

"My wife's a water sign, I'm an earth sign; together we make mud.

"I mean, my wife . . . she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive . . . the refrigerator.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

"When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names -- hers and her mother's."

"With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."

"With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."

I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said, "No, one drag is enough."

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to
know who May was.

"My wife . . . It takes her an hour and a half to watch '60 Minutes.' OK, she's dumb.

"Hey, my wife's cooking is so bad, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves!"

"And my wife . . . As soon as I got married I knew I was in trouble. My in-laws sent me a thank-you note."

"My wife, let me tell you about my wife. She wants to have sex in the back seat of the car, but she wants me to drive."

"The other night I had a fight with my dog. My wife said the dog was right."

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys . . . and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

I bought a used car. And found my wife's dress in the back seat.

She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.

Woman: "I'm not interested in casual sex." Dangerfield: "Alright, I'll keep my tie on."

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.

Hey, I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy--for birth control.

"I got no respect again last week. I went to buy a new suit and told the salesman I'd like to see something cheap. He told me to look in the mirror."

"Bring us a round every 15 minutes until we pass out. Then bring us one every 5..."

"I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it."

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the cats on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly; they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.
When I was a kid . . . I grew up in rough neighborhood . . . I had acne . . . the other kid?s used to play connect-a-dot with my face . . .
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.
 
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