Funny pic/gif thread...
- Thread starter dfweyer
- Start date
:yikes::shocked2:
and now I smell like Usher
catscratch
Registered
She meant alive when cook it.
Loser keeps Beibs?
We are one step ahead. We already signed a petition to not let him back in.
Its Canada's way of saying Thank You to our bestest Southern neighbor.
We are one step ahead. We already signed a petition to not let him back in.
Its Canada's way of saying Thank You to our bestest Southern neighbor.
Looks like you guys can keep him lol Way to go Canada!!!!
1st ex-wife sent this to me .
How children perceive their Grandparents......
1.My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet
for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
2.She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful
eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one
said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I
will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about
kissing the toilet paper good-bye....
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed
into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.
As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her
patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and
stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern
warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say
with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"
4. Grandmother & Grandfather weretelling their little granddaughter
what their own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a
pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our
front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said,
"I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked do you know how
you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No,
how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandparent’s
word processor. She told them she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so
I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what
color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun
for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying,
"Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors
yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before
I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are
coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied,
"I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine
says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her
grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies
today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep
her cool. "That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'I and add
'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant,"
said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the
ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the
dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck...”
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs,"
she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said,
"she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her.
Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the
airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things,
but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas
leaks and they blame their dog.
How children perceive their Grandparents......
1.My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet
for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
2.She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful
eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one
said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I
will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about
kissing the toilet paper good-bye....
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed
into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.
As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her
patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and
stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern
warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say
with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"
4. Grandmother & Grandfather weretelling their little granddaughter
what their own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a
pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our
front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said,
"I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked do you know how
you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No,
how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandparent’s
word processor. She told them she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so
I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what
color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun
for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying,
"Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors
yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before
I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are
coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied,
"I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine
says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her
grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies
today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep
her cool. "That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'I and add
'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant,"
said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the
ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the
dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck...”
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs,"
she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said,
"she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her.
Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the
airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things,
but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas
leaks and they blame their dog.
Haha, they use the Dalmations to find the fire hydrants.
Altho as of this year, I am officially a Grandpa, I don't think that you have to be one to get a gas leak.
I used to love the old radio show with Art Linkleter, (sp). Kids Say the Darndest Things. Yes, I am old enuff to remember that one.
I don't think that part has changed over the years. Their toys may have changed drastically but the things that come out of a youngins mouth hasn't.
Altho as of this year, I am officially a Grandpa, I don't think that you have to be one to get a gas leak.
I used to love the old radio show with Art Linkleter, (sp). Kids Say the Darndest Things. Yes, I am old enuff to remember that one.
I don't think that part has changed over the years. Their toys may have changed drastically but the things that come out of a youngins mouth hasn't.
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An older gentleman had an ppointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large, unfriendly looking woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large, unfriendly looking woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, The Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that, no, I didn't have a dog; I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and I.V.s in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heat attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
If there's a moral to this true-life adventure, it is that you better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
P.S. Send this (especially) to all your retired friends ... it will not only be their laugh for the day, it will also give them inspiration!
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that, no, I didn't have a dog; I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and I.V.s in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heat attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
If there's a moral to this true-life adventure, it is that you better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
P.S. Send this (especially) to all your retired friends ... it will not only be their laugh for the day, it will also give them inspiration!
So, speaking of check out lines.
There was a guy and a girl in a check out line. As the guy put his items on the belt, the girl said to him, "you must be single".
The guy said," as a matter of fact, yes I am and exactly how did you come to that conclusion".
The girl said, "its because you bought one tube of tooth paste, one tooth brush, one bar of soap, one steak".
He then said back to her, "I can tell that you are also single".
She said, "yes I am but how did you know that".
The guy said, "because you are FKing ugly".
Jimmy, your Taser joke and the chloroform joke that you sent me some time ago remain to be 2 of my all time favorites.
I always tell those 2 when the jokes start flying in the bar.
There was a guy and a girl in a check out line. As the guy put his items on the belt, the girl said to him, "you must be single".
The guy said," as a matter of fact, yes I am and exactly how did you come to that conclusion".
The girl said, "its because you bought one tube of tooth paste, one tooth brush, one bar of soap, one steak".
He then said back to her, "I can tell that you are also single".
She said, "yes I am but how did you know that".
The guy said, "because you are FKing ugly".
Jimmy, your Taser joke and the chloroform joke that you sent me some time ago remain to be 2 of my all time favorites.
I always tell those 2 when the jokes start flying in the bar.
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Subject: Timbuktu - Hunting Poem
The National Poetry Contest had come down to 2 semi-finalists... a
>
> Yale graduate and a redneck from Tennessee. They were given a word, then
>
> allowed 2 minutes to study and come up with a poem that contained the
>
> word.
>
> The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
>
>
>
> First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped up to the
>
> microphone and recited...
>
>
>
> Slowly across the sand
>
> Trekked a lonely caravan
>
> Men on camels, two by two
>
> Destination -- Timbuktu
>
>
>
>
>
> The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they
>
> thought.
>
> The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and said...
>
>
>
>
>
> Me and Tim a huntin went
>
> Met three whores in a pop-up tent
>
> They was three, and we was two
>
> So I bucked one, and Timbuktu
>
>
>
> The redneck won - hands down!
The National Poetry Contest had come down to 2 semi-finalists... a
>
> Yale graduate and a redneck from Tennessee. They were given a word, then
>
> allowed 2 minutes to study and come up with a poem that contained the
>
> word.
>
> The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
>
>
>
> First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped up to the
>
> microphone and recited...
>
>
>
> Slowly across the sand
>
> Trekked a lonely caravan
>
> Men on camels, two by two
>
> Destination -- Timbuktu
>
>
>
>
>
> The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they
>
> thought.
>
> The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and said...
>
>
>
>
>
> Me and Tim a huntin went
>
> Met three whores in a pop-up tent
>
> They was three, and we was two
>
> So I bucked one, and Timbuktu
>
>
>
> The redneck won - hands down!
Subject: FW: Read this one on Baning guns. Its a great solution.
Ralph, My neighbor is a "lefty" of sorts (Obama bumper stickers,
gung-ho socialized medicine, "guns should be banned", etc.).
So last week I put this sign up in my yard after one of his anti-gun rants at a
neighborhood cocktail party. The sign wasn't up more than an hour before
he called the police and wanted them to make me take down
the sign.
Fortunately, the officer politely informed him that it was not their job
to take such action without a court order and that he had to file a complaint
"downtown" first, which would be reviewed by the city attorney to see if it
violated any city, county, or state ordinances, which if there was a violation a
court order would be sent to the offending party (me) to "remove the sign in
seven days".
After several weeks he was informed that the sign was legal (by a quarter of an
inch) and there was nothing the city could do, which obviously made him madder.
I tried to smooth things over by inviting him to go shooting with me and my friends
at the hunt club but that seemed to make him even more angry. I then asked him if he
wanted to go to a Tea Party rally but again he declined my outreach efforts to bring
about a better understanding between political and social opponents.
I am at a loss how to reconcile our long relationship (notice I did not say friendship),
any suggestions would be welcome. Anyway, that's life in our neck of the woods,
how's about yours?
Ralph, My neighbor is a "lefty" of sorts (Obama bumper stickers,
gung-ho socialized medicine, "guns should be banned", etc.).
So last week I put this sign up in my yard after one of his anti-gun rants at a
neighborhood cocktail party. The sign wasn't up more than an hour before
he called the police and wanted them to make me take down
the sign.
Fortunately, the officer politely informed him that it was not their job
to take such action without a court order and that he had to file a complaint
"downtown" first, which would be reviewed by the city attorney to see if it
violated any city, county, or state ordinances, which if there was a violation a
court order would be sent to the offending party (me) to "remove the sign in
seven days".
After several weeks he was informed that the sign was legal (by a quarter of an
inch) and there was nothing the city could do, which obviously made him madder.
I tried to smooth things over by inviting him to go shooting with me and my friends
at the hunt club but that seemed to make him even more angry. I then asked him if he
wanted to go to a Tea Party rally but again he declined my outreach efforts to bring
about a better understanding between political and social opponents.
I am at a loss how to reconcile our long relationship (notice I did not say friendship),
any suggestions would be welcome. Anyway, that's life in our neck of the woods,
how's about yours?
Subject: FW: Read this one on Baning guns. Its a great solution.
Ralph, My neighbor is a "lefty" of sorts (Obama bumper stickers,
gung-ho socialized medicine, "guns should be banned", etc.).
So last week I put this sign up in my yard after one of his anti-gun rants at a
neighborhood cocktail party. The sign wasn't up more than an hour before
he called the police and wanted them to make me take down
the sign.
Fortunately, the officer politely informed him that it was not their job
to take such action without a court order and that he had to file a complaint
"downtown" first, which would be reviewed by the city attorney to see if it
violated any city, county, or state ordinances, which if there was a violation a
court order would be sent to the offending party (me) to "remove the sign in
seven days".
After several weeks he was informed that the sign was legal (by a quarter of an
inch) and there was nothing the city could do, which obviously made him madder.
I tried to smooth things over by inviting him to go shooting with me and my friends
at the hunt club but that seemed to make him even more angry. I then asked him if he
wanted to go to a Tea Party rally but again he declined my outreach efforts to bring
about a better understanding between political and social opponents.
I am at a loss how to reconcile our long relationship (notice I did not say friendship),
any suggestions would be welcome. Anyway, that's life in our neck of the woods,
how's about yours?
It's just as well that he doesn't want to help, he'd probably end up shooting the neighbor's teenage son sneaking in after curfew anyway.
