Best One Liners and Action Openers

I haven't heard this one being said yet so here goes.

On 9-ball, 8 to 9, but 8's got no direct pocket. Before safety is played, the opponent goes, "The only safe spot is here," and points to the pocket.

Another one. Occasionally we find ourselves in situations where we choose another pocket because the intended pocket seems too small to pocket into and the player at the table exclaims, "The pocket's too small!"
Then the player sitting down, walks up, stands in front of the pocket and looks over it and says,

"Not small from where I'm looking."
 
Action Openers

Years ago we misspent our time in billiard rooms bored with playing each other. The door opened and we all look at the guy standing there. He was a long time absent former source of revenue to many of us.
Quick as a flash when I want to be:
"I saw him first!"


A friend of mine was at a tournament and was enjoying a cup of coffee and a long overdue meal. He was approached by a young player who felt that he could take down this money match legend.
"Come on man, let's gamble"
"I'm eating, go away"
"But you are supposed to be the big gambler. Come on"
"I told you, I'm busy"
"Let's play for a hundred or is that too much for Mr Big"

With that my friend took out a roll of money that would choke a horse.

"You want to gamble sonny. that five grand and this is a penny.
Call it - Heads or Tails? That's Gambling".

The youngster beat a hasty and silent retreat.
 
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A famous character and gambler in our country used to have lot's of one liners and he was funny guy in many ways.

The best I remember was, when he had started to gamble (normally he gave weigh as he chose easier opponents) and the opponent scratched or made the first foul somehow at some point, so the Guy said: "second foul" (in our native language foul and mistake is just the same, so it is like "second mistake").
The opponent of course being puzzled and says "NO! it was a first", sort of like thinking the Guy is trying to cheat him. Guy answers "It was second. First was when you started to play with me".


Still laughing when I think of him. :D He ran 9 pack against somebody and challenged Mika Immonen just to brag, and kicked his ass. Mika was told to have said that "this guy is the most talented player I've seen".
But, like many others of those super talented, he went into bad habits. He's alive still, but not the same guy he used to be.
 
Cheez Dawg said:
I was playing a friend of mine, Dave some nine ball, just for practice.
Anyway, Dave takes a flier at really tough bank, and $h!ts in the nine off a ball and a couple of rails.
He walks around to the pocket it fell in, points at the floor under the pocket and says,
"Don't step in that".
I nearly fell over. Well, I thought it was pretty funny at the time.
Click to expand...

I'm busy trying to translate that into Japanese, because given my game and the lucky bank flyer carom sideboards that sometimes pay off I play in 9ball, I will need it. "Gomen nasai, honto ni Inui no kusoe, kiyotsukite!" is the best I have so far. (Sorry, that was really dog shit, take care!) But only if it comes off an extra ball unintended. I really WAS playing the bank-carom offense, but with shape on the next ball and safety if it missed.

about the wife, well.... One tagline from the old BBS days pre-internet was: I don't wake up grumpy, I let her sleep...." And adequate pool and child-rasing is difficult to square with family values or reasonable bedtimes.
 
One that just came back to me was one I heard or read about Benny Conway playing someone onepocket. Benny, "the goose" Conway was stuck in a trap and needed all the balls. His opponent made a smart assed comment by saying, "you need a doctor". The Goose came with some great shot and ran eight and out and promptly replied, "ya didn't know I was a medical man did ya?"

And another one, this one from Winning One Pocket. Jersey Red's opponent calls a foul for touching a ball. Red argues that it's not a foul and the opponent is adamant. So Red asks him if he is really going to insist that it's a foul. His opponent says yes so Red sweeps all the balls to his pocket and says, "I owe two".
 
I heard Johnny Morrow once say "Even a cadillac can't run jacked up" only after I played bad shape on a ball and had to shoot jacked up. One other one I heard was from JOB's, a local highroller named little Mikey he said " you wouldn't bet a greyhound could beat a milkcow."
 
I used to tell folks the story about me playing ray charles a race to 9. I tell them that i had ray 8-0 then ray made me cut the lights out and he beat me 9 in a row! lol!!
 
sjm said:
My favorite is Lassiter's classic. His opponent is lining up the four ball in a rack of nine ball and the layout is tricky, but Lassister concede's the rack, saying to this opponent "if you're not out here, you've got no chance to beat me anyway."
Click to expand...


Now that one is in a league of its own... thanks sjm, I will always remember this one.

Jordan
 
Well, one that I remember that hit me pretty funny was watching one of our better players (Ted) playing a regular (Phil) who thought he was good, sets of one pocket, a hundred a set.

Ted won every set, it got ridiculous, but after each set Ted asked Phil if he wanted to play another. Phil would say after EVERY set, "yeah, shit I'll play, I just can't say no."

This went on for, had to be 6 sets, the last time Ted asked Phil if he wanted another, Phil asked if we had any Rat poison. I told him we had mouse pellets.

He turned and looked at Ted and said, ya I'll play ya, but listen, this time if I lose, force these mouse pellets down my throat. Ha ... it was hilarious.
 
LOL Great thread.

This one you might have to have been there. A local shortstop, always good for one-liners, stuck his head in the door of a small pool room and says, "any suckers in here?" We broke up.
 
We used to say things like " Only way you gonna run something(Talking bout a rack) is if someone opens the front door and you haul a$$" or " you sure look sharp playing with them childrens, wana try a grown up for 50.00" just good natured ribbing....thats what a good pool hall is all about
 
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