Brilliant!
Funny pic/gif thread...
- Thread starter dfweyer
- Start date
Brilliant!
Golfers in Heaven
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.
Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever
seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course,
but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don’t hit the ducks in
your first three months here.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, “The
ducks?”
“Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are millions of ducks walking around the
course and if one gets hit, he quacks then the one next to him quacks and
soon they’re all quacking to beat the band and it really breaks the
tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you’ll be punished, otherwise
everything is yours to enjoy.”
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large
numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a
duck. The duck quacked, the one next to it quacked and soon there was a
deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, “Who
hit the duck?”
The guy who had done it admitted, “I did.”
St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man’s
right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the
ducks,”, he said. Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of
weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as
before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.
St.Peter cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand.
“I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed
together for eternity.”
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for
fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn’t
hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months
and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the
man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word,
handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity,
let out a contented sigh and wondered aloud,
“I wonder what I did to deserve this?”
The woman responds, “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.”
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.
Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever
seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course,
but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don’t hit the ducks in
your first three months here.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, “The
ducks?”
“Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are millions of ducks walking around the
course and if one gets hit, he quacks then the one next to him quacks and
soon they’re all quacking to beat the band and it really breaks the
tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you’ll be punished, otherwise
everything is yours to enjoy.”
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large
numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a
duck. The duck quacked, the one next to it quacked and soon there was a
deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, “Who
hit the duck?”
The guy who had done it admitted, “I did.”
St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man’s
right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the
ducks,”, he said. Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of
weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as
before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.
St.Peter cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand.
“I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed
together for eternity.”
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for
fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn’t
hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months
and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the
man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word,
handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity,
let out a contented sigh and wondered aloud,
“I wonder what I did to deserve this?”
The woman responds, “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.”
..
Davey Jones
On January 2nd of this year, Davy Jones,
lead singer for the 60's pop group the Monkeys, passed away.
The following morning, headlines in the Washington Post read "LEAD MONKEY DEAD."
It took the secret service several hours to get Joe Biden to calm down and stop running around the white house yelling, "I'm the President!, I'm the President!!!"
On January 2nd of this year, Davy Jones,
lead singer for the 60's pop group the Monkeys, passed away.
The following morning, headlines in the Washington Post read "LEAD MONKEY DEAD."
It took the secret service several hours to get Joe Biden to calm down and stop running around the white house yelling, "I'm the President!, I'm the President!!!"
Old Doberman
>
>
> An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.
>
> Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
>
> The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
>
> Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
>
> Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
>
> Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
>
> "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"
>
> Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.
>
> So, off he goes.
>
> The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
>
> The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
>
> Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says .......
>
> "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
>
> Moral of this story...
>
> Don't mess with the old dogs...
>
> Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
>
> Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
>
> If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
>
> Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.
>
> You did notice the size of the print, didn't you ?:wink:
>
>
>
> An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.
>
> Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
>
> The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
>
> Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
>
> Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
>
> Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
>
> "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"
>
> Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.
>
> So, off he goes.
>
> The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
>
> The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
>
> Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says .......
>
> "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
>
> Moral of this story...
>
> Don't mess with the old dogs...
>
> Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
>
> Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
>
> If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
>
> Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.
>
> You did notice the size of the print, didn't you ?:wink:
>
True story ...
When Conrad Hilton (the hotel magnate) died, Roger Grimsby, on ABC TV in New York, channel 7, came out of commercial, slowly looked up toward the camera, and solemly intoned, "Conrad Hilton checked out today....."
I remember at the time, around 1969, he took a lot of flak for that one.
When Conrad Hilton (the hotel magnate) died, Roger Grimsby, on ABC TV in New York, channel 7, came out of commercial, slowly looked up toward the camera, and solemly intoned, "Conrad Hilton checked out today....."
I remember at the time, around 1969, he took a lot of flak for that one.
Fascinate
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
>>
>>
>> Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating”.
>>
>>
>> The teacher said, “That was good Molly, but I wanted you to use the word “fascinate, not fascinating”.
>>
>>
>> Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated”.
>> The teacher said, “Well, that was good too, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate”.
>>
>>
>> Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
>>
>>
>> She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate” so she called on him.
>>
>>
>> Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
>>
>>
>> The teacher sat down and cried.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
>>
>>
>> Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating”.
>>
>>
>> The teacher said, “That was good Molly, but I wanted you to use the word “fascinate, not fascinating”.
>>
>>
>> Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated”.
>> The teacher said, “Well, that was good too, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate”.
>>
>>
>> Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
>>
>>
>> She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate” so she called on him.
>>
>>
>> Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
>>
>>
>> The teacher sat down and cried.
>>
>>
Darwin Awards 2014
Better than the Academy Awards!
Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of
this law firm are like.
Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A Dunkirk, IN man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a .54 caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death.
"Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police.
"It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday.
Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.
Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis.
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia Poole (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?
Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool. :grin:
Better than the Academy Awards!
Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of
this law firm are like.
Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A Dunkirk, IN man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a .54 caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death.
"Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police.
"It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday.
Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.
Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis.
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia Poole (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?
Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool. :grin:
OMG i just noticed. It's not that he tripped, he was knocked cold out when his head hit the rail. wow
