RJ,
You want me to stand up? Want to hear it all? You got it. Here is my post, in public, for the world to see, in plain text, that you asked me directly for.
First and foremost, I don't want you to have to spend any more time here than absolutely necessary. I will go ahead and give you the personal gratitude and worship that you hunt so selfishly, okay? Here ya go... You made it through your divorce and came out clean and healthy. Good for you. YOU ARE A BETTER MAN THAN ME. YOU RULE. YOU STUD, YOU. I suck. I am a bastard. I am lazy. I have not honored your order and have done you wrong. LET THE WORLD KNOW THAT THIS MAN HAS WAITED ON ME, PATIENTLY, AND I HAVE NOT YET HONORED HIS ORDER WITH ME. Further... bastard that I am, no matter how mad I get or how a**hole intolerant that I am, your cue WILL get finished or your money WILL be refunded, just as soon as I pull the damn house out of foreclosure, OKAY? So now, you need not read on. You have what you wanted. G-bye.
In case you are still reading...
In December of 2006, my wife of 10 years and mother of my children started an affair. This happened because I had left her alone for far too long, playing pool, building cues, doing everything BUT being her husband. Further, I was ignoring my kids for this "life" of billiards and cue making, as well as living for myself. I failed her. I failed my kids. I failed God. I failed myself. She is human. She, in turn, failed me. Just so happens, as it turned out, that she is not a very forgiving person and it was too late in the end.
Now, nevermind all of the heart-wrenching, tear-jerking details, but I was faced with a choice in about March of 2007. I could spend my time getting a career that would pay the bills and raise kids, and show her what she needed, or I could stay in that cue shop making nearly nothing and lose her, and all that matters, all together. I chose to make a living and try to win her back. I spent a year focusing on family and finances, which meant leaving the shop pretty much alone, going back into the computer business and being a father.
Eventually, I realized I was dealing with a person that would never come out of the hole and admit she needed me, which is what all men MUST have, whether you will admit it or not. When it finally became too much to bear, I filed for divorce to end the hell. She, like many women scorned, has a pretty damn mean fight mode. It came down to war with her. She was living with me, screwing her boyfriend in MY BED, and giving me NO MONEY from her income to help with the bills and support the house and kids. I had no money, no time, not to mention VERY LITTLE willpower to even get out of bed. She made threats of forcing the shop sold, as well as the house, and there was nothing I could do about it if she forced that.
So... After 3 months of being a mental roller-coaster, counseling, crying, deciding that my Glock is not the answer, and trying to arrive at SOME SMALL REASON that I should actually try to BE something again, with friends, neighbors, God and 2 kids that smiled at me just often enough, I grew some balls. I pulled it out. I started a computer business, which I currently run daily, full time, to pay ALL of our marital debt without her help and raise kids as a single father with NO help from a woman or anyone else.
You are probably going to ask about my family now. Where are the people you turn to in times like this? Well, my Mother is a mental patient who tries as hard as she can not to be a burden to me. My Father has already passed. I have no siblings. My Grandmother would send the $80 she has leftover from her Social Security every month if I allowed her to, but she lives by herself, 80 some years old, 110 miles from me and tells me that God is all I need, so I figure I might should just let her be without the worry of my situation. That ends the list. There's your answer on family and folks I can turn to.
Now, after some healing (if you can call it that), she and I make an attempt to be co-parents. I have the kids 4 nights a week and her on the 3 nights she isn't working. The house payment is 3 months behind, the truck payment is 2 months behind, the credit cards I don't even want to think about but at least they can't do anything but call me every damn day, 6 times a day but at least they can't take anything from me. The mortgage company can't sell the house for what I owe so they are letting me catch up, the auto loan company doesn't want the truck back and they trust me (why, I have no idea) and are letting me catch up as I can. Electric, gas and water I have managed to keep on except that one night I had to take the kids to her house for baths because my water got cut off.
So, now, here I am. Paying the debt for all I have done. Working and trying to keep up for my kids and myself. I hope that, knowing just the small view I have laid out for you here, you might be able to understand that spending time to build your cue and the many others that I have already been paid for is not something I have had the time to do. Do I feel bad, yes. Anyone that REALLY knows me already knows this.
You should know that you are not alone, RJ. I owe MANY people MANY things and if you knew half of what people have done for me then you would understand that your order is far from the top, believe me. Ashamed, I am. Hide from it, I will not. In all this, I have learned one thing that I think might be the most valuable lesson yet in my 38 years which is this:
Hide from nothing. Be you. Those who matter won't mind, and those who mind won't matter.
Given that I take that statement seriously, I tell you now, and I say to EVERYONE here and in the billiard community:
I WILL GET BACK ON MY FEET. I WILL GET BACK IN MY SHOP. YOU WILL GET WHAT I OWE YOU OR AN INVITATION TO MY FUNERAL, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST.
On a positive note, I have many people to thank. There are people out there in this billiard world we know who have given me SO MUCH, and offered their undying patience, assistance, words of wisdom, and support. YOU HAVE NO IDEA how much I appreciate this. I mean, you think you do, but you don't. Especially if you have not been where I have been.
ScottR. Yup. Numero Uno, without doubt, and not just because of money. Buddy. You are a God send, whether you know it or not. You unknowingly jumped on a moving train that was already bound for derailment. In addition to everything else, you showed me support and patience beyond any expectation anyone could have and never stabbed at me once in all that I have failed you on. You have shared some thoughts with me that DID matter, whether you know it or not. Your family and anyone who knows you is VERY lucky. I mean that. Thank you. I hope only that I can become you and pay it back to you and/or someone in need someday. Don't you ever think that I don't remember.
Doc. Words cannot describe, Doc. There is a page on my site about this dude. Unreal. You have experiences and knowledge that cannot be found in any other one place. You laugh when most men cry. You relax in times I would shoot someone. We have seen each other in person only twice, but if I ever felt like someone was a Brother, an Uncle, a Friend and a Counselor all in one, you win. I would be on a plane in 30 seconds flat if you needed something. Know that. That cue that you paid for back in 2004, well... I finally plucked a limb off of the tree in the back yard to start turning into a shaft! It's coming!
Jim McDermott. Jim, you are a rock that will never be cracked. People do not deserve the kindness you show daily. You offered me an opportunity to do business in the greatest billiard environment I have ever known. You did so at your expense and showed me nothing but courtesy, respect, wisdom and happiness. In fact, I have never known you to show anyone anything but the same. You've questioned me at the perfect time, and told me things that hit home when I needed to hear them. You've taught me how to offer a smile and shrug when someone deserves nothing but anger and showed me more about business than any book or school can teach. You never asked for a single thing in return and probably never will. It is NO LIE when I say that I have sat in church and listened to the Pastor talk about choosing an honorable, respectable man, a man's man, someone that I know, and try to make some attempt to be like him, and your face popped into my head. The way you do what you do and the weight you carry for others is UNREAL. I think Laura, Mike and Michelle already know it, but I won't tell anyone else that you are really Jesus. Your secret is safe with me, Sir.
Kent Head. Brother. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. The help you have given me, the patience you have shown and the healing you have allowed to happen at your expense is UNREAL. You think what you have done is small, but you have no idea the good that you have brought me and my family. You are solely responsible for my means to make it through this, in almost every way. The things I have received from knowing and working with you are uncountable. THANK YOU.
Chuck Ney. People who dislike you JUST DON'T HAVE A DAMN CLUE. Knowing you and calling you friend is a privelege. Know that. Remember that.
Dave Kikel has to be mentioned. This man has never met me, didn't know me when he first called me, and sent me a stack of money to PRE PAY for a ton of leather, with no expectation or demand on delivery time, simply because he HEARD I was a good guy and I was in need. To date, he has recieved only about half of what I owe him, and has never said ONE WORD about it in over a year. Does anyone out there have any clue the words I can use to thank this man? Dave, you rock.
Kenny Koo. I could listen to this man talk for hours. He has NOTHING but good things to say, has offered me anything he has if I need it, and has never argued about a price, complained about a thing, or asked for a single thing in return. Anyone out there who doesn't know this man, you SHOULD. You would be lucky.
Dan Christensen. You are the strongest man on earth to plow through what you have plowed and to still be here, having never showed me anything but your assistance, both when I needed it and when I didn't. Whatever I have later in life that you need, you know that it's yours.
Cue Orders. Doc, Scott R, Wayne W, Doc, Dan, Shane, Joe, James, Tim, Robert, Jason, Jarrod, Cecil J, Kent, Scott W, Rusty, RJ and God knows who else I have forgotten here.... PLEASE know that I have not been in the shop as much as I should be and that I am sorry for it. I WILL get out there in time, and I WILL complete your cues. I would have already refunded your money but, obviously, I do not have it.
To anyone else I have taken money from, taken orders from, owe parts to, owe money to, or have otherwise dissapointed in every way, please accept my apology and know that I am trying to get on my feet. Including the few of you that have already given up on me having never said a word. I remember you. I will make an attempt to make everything right when I can. Please know that before I failed you, I failed my kids. I have to face that every day and I am doing what I can to make that right. Past that, I have never intended to do anyone wrong, and never intended to capture anyone's money dishonerably. If I had it in the bank, I would pay it back today to have this weight off my back, believe me. I do have a conscience whether you believe it or not, and it will not let me live anything down without making an attempt at resolution at some point, EVEN WITH YOU, RJ!
You want me to stand up? Want to hear it all? You got it. Here is my post, in public, for the world to see, in plain text, that you asked me directly for.
First and foremost, I don't want you to have to spend any more time here than absolutely necessary. I will go ahead and give you the personal gratitude and worship that you hunt so selfishly, okay? Here ya go... You made it through your divorce and came out clean and healthy. Good for you. YOU ARE A BETTER MAN THAN ME. YOU RULE. YOU STUD, YOU. I suck. I am a bastard. I am lazy. I have not honored your order and have done you wrong. LET THE WORLD KNOW THAT THIS MAN HAS WAITED ON ME, PATIENTLY, AND I HAVE NOT YET HONORED HIS ORDER WITH ME. Further... bastard that I am, no matter how mad I get or how a**hole intolerant that I am, your cue WILL get finished or your money WILL be refunded, just as soon as I pull the damn house out of foreclosure, OKAY? So now, you need not read on. You have what you wanted. G-bye.
In case you are still reading...
In December of 2006, my wife of 10 years and mother of my children started an affair. This happened because I had left her alone for far too long, playing pool, building cues, doing everything BUT being her husband. Further, I was ignoring my kids for this "life" of billiards and cue making, as well as living for myself. I failed her. I failed my kids. I failed God. I failed myself. She is human. She, in turn, failed me. Just so happens, as it turned out, that she is not a very forgiving person and it was too late in the end.
Now, nevermind all of the heart-wrenching, tear-jerking details, but I was faced with a choice in about March of 2007. I could spend my time getting a career that would pay the bills and raise kids, and show her what she needed, or I could stay in that cue shop making nearly nothing and lose her, and all that matters, all together. I chose to make a living and try to win her back. I spent a year focusing on family and finances, which meant leaving the shop pretty much alone, going back into the computer business and being a father.
Eventually, I realized I was dealing with a person that would never come out of the hole and admit she needed me, which is what all men MUST have, whether you will admit it or not. When it finally became too much to bear, I filed for divorce to end the hell. She, like many women scorned, has a pretty damn mean fight mode. It came down to war with her. She was living with me, screwing her boyfriend in MY BED, and giving me NO MONEY from her income to help with the bills and support the house and kids. I had no money, no time, not to mention VERY LITTLE willpower to even get out of bed. She made threats of forcing the shop sold, as well as the house, and there was nothing I could do about it if she forced that.
So... After 3 months of being a mental roller-coaster, counseling, crying, deciding that my Glock is not the answer, and trying to arrive at SOME SMALL REASON that I should actually try to BE something again, with friends, neighbors, God and 2 kids that smiled at me just often enough, I grew some balls. I pulled it out. I started a computer business, which I currently run daily, full time, to pay ALL of our marital debt without her help and raise kids as a single father with NO help from a woman or anyone else.
You are probably going to ask about my family now. Where are the people you turn to in times like this? Well, my Mother is a mental patient who tries as hard as she can not to be a burden to me. My Father has already passed. I have no siblings. My Grandmother would send the $80 she has leftover from her Social Security every month if I allowed her to, but she lives by herself, 80 some years old, 110 miles from me and tells me that God is all I need, so I figure I might should just let her be without the worry of my situation. That ends the list. There's your answer on family and folks I can turn to.
Now, after some healing (if you can call it that), she and I make an attempt to be co-parents. I have the kids 4 nights a week and her on the 3 nights she isn't working. The house payment is 3 months behind, the truck payment is 2 months behind, the credit cards I don't even want to think about but at least they can't do anything but call me every damn day, 6 times a day but at least they can't take anything from me. The mortgage company can't sell the house for what I owe so they are letting me catch up, the auto loan company doesn't want the truck back and they trust me (why, I have no idea) and are letting me catch up as I can. Electric, gas and water I have managed to keep on except that one night I had to take the kids to her house for baths because my water got cut off.
So, now, here I am. Paying the debt for all I have done. Working and trying to keep up for my kids and myself. I hope that, knowing just the small view I have laid out for you here, you might be able to understand that spending time to build your cue and the many others that I have already been paid for is not something I have had the time to do. Do I feel bad, yes. Anyone that REALLY knows me already knows this.
You should know that you are not alone, RJ. I owe MANY people MANY things and if you knew half of what people have done for me then you would understand that your order is far from the top, believe me. Ashamed, I am. Hide from it, I will not. In all this, I have learned one thing that I think might be the most valuable lesson yet in my 38 years which is this:
Hide from nothing. Be you. Those who matter won't mind, and those who mind won't matter.
Given that I take that statement seriously, I tell you now, and I say to EVERYONE here and in the billiard community:
I WILL GET BACK ON MY FEET. I WILL GET BACK IN MY SHOP. YOU WILL GET WHAT I OWE YOU OR AN INVITATION TO MY FUNERAL, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST.
On a positive note, I have many people to thank. There are people out there in this billiard world we know who have given me SO MUCH, and offered their undying patience, assistance, words of wisdom, and support. YOU HAVE NO IDEA how much I appreciate this. I mean, you think you do, but you don't. Especially if you have not been where I have been.
ScottR. Yup. Numero Uno, without doubt, and not just because of money. Buddy. You are a God send, whether you know it or not. You unknowingly jumped on a moving train that was already bound for derailment. In addition to everything else, you showed me support and patience beyond any expectation anyone could have and never stabbed at me once in all that I have failed you on. You have shared some thoughts with me that DID matter, whether you know it or not. Your family and anyone who knows you is VERY lucky. I mean that. Thank you. I hope only that I can become you and pay it back to you and/or someone in need someday. Don't you ever think that I don't remember.
Doc. Words cannot describe, Doc. There is a page on my site about this dude. Unreal. You have experiences and knowledge that cannot be found in any other one place. You laugh when most men cry. You relax in times I would shoot someone. We have seen each other in person only twice, but if I ever felt like someone was a Brother, an Uncle, a Friend and a Counselor all in one, you win. I would be on a plane in 30 seconds flat if you needed something. Know that. That cue that you paid for back in 2004, well... I finally plucked a limb off of the tree in the back yard to start turning into a shaft! It's coming!
Jim McDermott. Jim, you are a rock that will never be cracked. People do not deserve the kindness you show daily. You offered me an opportunity to do business in the greatest billiard environment I have ever known. You did so at your expense and showed me nothing but courtesy, respect, wisdom and happiness. In fact, I have never known you to show anyone anything but the same. You've questioned me at the perfect time, and told me things that hit home when I needed to hear them. You've taught me how to offer a smile and shrug when someone deserves nothing but anger and showed me more about business than any book or school can teach. You never asked for a single thing in return and probably never will. It is NO LIE when I say that I have sat in church and listened to the Pastor talk about choosing an honorable, respectable man, a man's man, someone that I know, and try to make some attempt to be like him, and your face popped into my head. The way you do what you do and the weight you carry for others is UNREAL. I think Laura, Mike and Michelle already know it, but I won't tell anyone else that you are really Jesus. Your secret is safe with me, Sir.
Kent Head. Brother. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. The help you have given me, the patience you have shown and the healing you have allowed to happen at your expense is UNREAL. You think what you have done is small, but you have no idea the good that you have brought me and my family. You are solely responsible for my means to make it through this, in almost every way. The things I have received from knowing and working with you are uncountable. THANK YOU.
Chuck Ney. People who dislike you JUST DON'T HAVE A DAMN CLUE. Knowing you and calling you friend is a privelege. Know that. Remember that.
Dave Kikel has to be mentioned. This man has never met me, didn't know me when he first called me, and sent me a stack of money to PRE PAY for a ton of leather, with no expectation or demand on delivery time, simply because he HEARD I was a good guy and I was in need. To date, he has recieved only about half of what I owe him, and has never said ONE WORD about it in over a year. Does anyone out there have any clue the words I can use to thank this man? Dave, you rock.
Kenny Koo. I could listen to this man talk for hours. He has NOTHING but good things to say, has offered me anything he has if I need it, and has never argued about a price, complained about a thing, or asked for a single thing in return. Anyone out there who doesn't know this man, you SHOULD. You would be lucky.
Dan Christensen. You are the strongest man on earth to plow through what you have plowed and to still be here, having never showed me anything but your assistance, both when I needed it and when I didn't. Whatever I have later in life that you need, you know that it's yours.
Cue Orders. Doc, Scott R, Wayne W, Doc, Dan, Shane, Joe, James, Tim, Robert, Jason, Jarrod, Cecil J, Kent, Scott W, Rusty, RJ and God knows who else I have forgotten here.... PLEASE know that I have not been in the shop as much as I should be and that I am sorry for it. I WILL get out there in time, and I WILL complete your cues. I would have already refunded your money but, obviously, I do not have it.
To anyone else I have taken money from, taken orders from, owe parts to, owe money to, or have otherwise dissapointed in every way, please accept my apology and know that I am trying to get on my feet. Including the few of you that have already given up on me having never said a word. I remember you. I will make an attempt to make everything right when I can. Please know that before I failed you, I failed my kids. I have to face that every day and I am doing what I can to make that right. Past that, I have never intended to do anyone wrong, and never intended to capture anyone's money dishonerably. If I had it in the bank, I would pay it back today to have this weight off my back, believe me. I do have a conscience whether you believe it or not, and it will not let me live anything down without making an attempt at resolution at some point, EVEN WITH YOU, RJ!
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