Funny pic/gif thread...
- Thread starter dfweyer
- Start date
Last years Mosconi Table was just as bad...
OK Car guys ’n gals……you have to listen very,very closely to this man who has a complaint with his new 320 BMW. Listen closely because he has an accent. Trust me, you will love this.
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10154767807170001
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10154767807170001
Missing Rodney Dangerfield
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get
my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she
used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the
lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a
sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody
home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning”?
> She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen
the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked across my front
yard. > I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me
from a hotel.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on
and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and
the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the
cat kept covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and an
electric radio.
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me.
She told me that she only liked me as a
friend.
I'm
so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that
came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to
my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we
could, but he pulled through anyway."
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find
my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,
"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking
how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get
up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up.
What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your
eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get someo
rest.
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he
was in the electric chair.
THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD --
CLEAN HUMOR!
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get
my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she
used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the
lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a
sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody
home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning”?
> She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen
the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked across my front
yard. > I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me
from a hotel.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on
and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and
the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the
cat kept covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and an
electric radio.
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me.
She told me that she only liked me as a
friend.
I'm
so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that
came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to
my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we
could, but he pulled through anyway."
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find
my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,
"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking
how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get
up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up.
What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your
eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get someo
rest.
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he
was in the electric chair.
THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD --
CLEAN HUMOR!
We call those ones. "Lasagne Lips".
Flap in the breeze like a flag.
Flap in the breeze like a flag.
Irish car accident
>
>
>
> A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the
> Eversweet Company.
> In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
>
> 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
> asked the solicitor.
>
> Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my
> fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
>
> 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the
> question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
>
> Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin'
> down da road.... '
>
> The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to
> establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
> police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident,
> he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to
> simply answer the question. '
>
> By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to
> the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow,
> Bessie'.
>
>
> Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just
> loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de
> road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop
> sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and
> Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and
> didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.
> I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
>
> Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could
> hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he
> looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her
> between the eyes.
>
> Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and
> said, 'How are you feelin'?'
>
> 'Now, wot da fock would you say?'
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the
> Eversweet Company.
> In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
>
> 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
> asked the solicitor.
>
> Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my
> fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
>
> 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the
> question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
>
> Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin'
> down da road.... '
>
> The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to
> establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
> police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident,
> he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to
> simply answer the question. '
>
> By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to
> the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow,
> Bessie'.
>
>
> Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just
> loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de
> road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop
> sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and
> Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and
> didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.
> I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
>
> Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could
> hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he
> looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her
> between the eyes.
>
> Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and
> said, 'How are you feelin'?'
>
> 'Now, wot da fock would you say?'
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
>> has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.
>>
>>
>> His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job
>> in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and
>> would therefore never have to testify in court.
>>
>> When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the
>> missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The
>> Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."
>>
>> The lawyer, using sign language,
>> asks Guido, Where's the money?
>> Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are
>> talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what
>> you are talking about."
>>
>> The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's
>> head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
>>
>> The lawyer signs to Guido,
>> "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
>> Guido trembles and signs back, "OK!
>> You win! The money is in a brown
>> briefcase, buried behind the shed at my
>> cousin Bruno's house."
>>
>> The Godfather asks the lawyer,
>> "What did he say?"
>>
>> The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to
>> pull the trigger."
>>
>> You gotta love
>> lawyers!!:wink:
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
>> has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.
>>
>>
>> His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job
>> in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and
>> would therefore never have to testify in court.
>>
>> When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the
>> missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The
>> Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."
>>
>> The lawyer, using sign language,
>> asks Guido, Where's the money?
>> Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are
>> talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what
>> you are talking about."
>>
>> The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's
>> head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
>>
>> The lawyer signs to Guido,
>> "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
>> Guido trembles and signs back, "OK!
>> You win! The money is in a brown
>> briefcase, buried behind the shed at my
>> cousin Bruno's house."
>>
>> The Godfather asks the lawyer,
>> "What did he say?"
>>
>> The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to
>> pull the trigger."
>>
>> You gotta love
>> lawyers!!:wink:
_______________________________________________________________________
__________________
Sure...
He just felt he had to travel all the way from the DC universe to see the Hulk's penis...
Jaden
He just felt he had to travel all the way from the DC universe to see the Hulk's penis...
Jaden
__________________
Ok, this is pretty damn funny but for those who don't know where shouting out Leroy Jenkins came from here is the video. If you are a gamer you will definitely appreciate the humor in this (has some language if I remember right).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkCNJRfSZBU
longer ago than I care to admit.....back in the day as they might say.
Original reference:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLyOj_QD4a4
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