Some dialog from the Varner-Ortmann semi-final match commentary, '89 U.S. Open 14.1 Championship. Funny stuff
[Jimmy Mataya briefly visits the booth]
Grady: You got any thoughts on this match Jimmy?
Jimmy: I'm only here to challenge the winner to $100,000 dollars. The loser I'd like to wish him luck on his way home, the winner, he can keep his trophy I just want his cash. Thank you.
[After Grady makes a comment about not having ever bested Jimmy Mataya in their duels over the years.]
Bill: You're becoming very modest in your older age. Are you trying to develop or adopt a new type of style for yourself, are you trying to beg now for handicaps or what are you trying to do?
Grady: That's that new soft con that I've adopted, and I've found that it works very well with these unsuspecting pool players [Bill: "Such as who"?] I lull them into a false sense of security--
Bill: Yes, how's it feel to be unarmed every time you go to the table?
Grady: Well, I'm unarmed in the respect that I have a hard time making any difficult shot, and I possess virtually no heart, God however was good enough to grace me with a halfway respectable head and I try to avail myself of it occasionally.
Bill: Yeah it's just like knitting a sweater, you start with a little ball, and you just start knitting and knitting and it gets bigger and bigger and eventually you have your sweater. And that's what he's doing now, he's just picking off balls one at a time, and eventually all the balls are gonna be gone.
Jeff: Well if I could use an analogy for your analogy Billy, it'd be like rolling a snowball down a hill it just gets bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger, which doesn't have anything to do with comparing it to this pool game.
Bill: Well thanks a lot, Jeff.
[After some discussion of shot clocks in straight pool tournaments]
Grady: I'd like to put a pocket clock on Billy, some of those times when he's real reluctant to go to his pocket, put a clock on him maybe a one minute clock, and that would save all of us a lot of money.
Bill: That would be the most foolish thing you could ever possibly do is put a shot clock on me going to my pocket. Matter of fact I've gone to my pocket so regular and so quick that I've had second thoughts about ever going to my pocket again. You know, I mean, it's ridiculous.
Jeff: I tell you what, I wouldn't mind playing Billy if he never went for his hole.
Grady: I was referring to his pocket where he keeps his money.
Bill: My hip pocket. That's what I was referring to, my hip pocket.
Jeff: Well, uhh, I was referring to that also. (laugh)
Jeff: Well, I think Nick is displaying intrepidity at the table today, don't you think Grady?
Grady: I certainly do.
Bill: Well as long as you two fellas are in agreement there, then I have to go along with ya.
Jeff: Bill, maybe you'd like to explain to us what I just said.
Bill: You said that Nick was a slow player, and obviously you were wrong there?
Grady: You're suggesting that Nick is playing with a lot of acumen, he's perspicacious--
Bill: ...and he's a good player!
Bill: Jeff, if you want to start something up here, you're really going to have to work for it. I'm telling you that right now. (laugh)