Quips and Quotes
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea.
>>> Visit people only once a year.
>>> - Victor Borge
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>>> Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
>>> - Mark Twain
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>>> By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
>>> - Socrates
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>>> I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
>>> - Groucho Marx
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>>> My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
>>> - Jimmy Durante
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>>> I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
>>> - Zsa Zsa Gabor
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>>> Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
>>> - Alex Levine
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>>> My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
>>> - Rodney Dangerfield
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>>> Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
>>> - Spike Milligan
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>>> Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
>>> - Joe Namath
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>>> I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
>>> - Bob Hope
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>>> I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
>>> - W. C. Fields
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>>> We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
>>> - Will Rogers
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>>> Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
>>> - Winston Churchill
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>>> Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
>>> - Phyllis Diller
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>>> By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
>>> - Billy Crystal
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>>> And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.
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