Dear Santa,
>
> How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
> reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I
> would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for
> Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
>
> Merry Christmas,
> Timmy Jones
>
> * *
>
> Dear Timmy,
>
> Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
> fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all
the
> time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to
> get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you
> something you can go outside and play with.*
>
> Merry Christmas,*
> Santa Claus***
>
> * *
>
> Mr. Claus,
>
> Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract,
> set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear
to
> granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this
> joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at
> my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit
> trite?
>
> Respectfully,
> Tim Jones
>
> * *
>
>
>
> Mr. Jones,
>
> While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria,
> need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is
it
> a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
> well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have
been
> on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will
be
> more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I
> alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social
> skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the
> bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
>
> Very Truly Yours,
>
> S Claus
>
> * *
>
> Now look here Fat Man,
>
> I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
> attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends
> into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys
> and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game
console,
> my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
>
> T-Bone
>
> * *
>
> Listen Pizza Face,
>
> Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
> one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees
> you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar,
> genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your
> shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
> that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza
roll
> all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you
> asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
> you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
>
> S Clizzy
>
> * *
>
> Dear Santa,
>
> Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
>
> Timmy
>
> * *
>
> Timmy,
>
> That's what I thought you little bastard.
>
> Santa