Karma giveaway

jmizzo

jmizzo

AzB Silver Member
Silver Member
I am getting ready to move, and was thinking what I could do for a karma giveaway. Here is what I decided.

1 box (12 pieces) of NTC Blue Chalk for the AZ Member who lives closest to Brainerd, MN (The city that I am moving to.)

1 box (12 pieces) to the funniest joke left on the forum for the rest of the night. (3am eatern time so midnight on the left coast) I get to decide which I think is the best!

Good Luck!

Also - might not have an empty box, so 12 chalk would be in a plastic bag if I cant find a small chalk box.
 
It's Game 7 of the 2010 World Series between the Chicago Cubs and the Minnesota Twins, and a man makes his way to his seat right behind home plate.

He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Series and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Twins game we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head.

"No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral." :smile:
 
I heard a comedian tell this joke about 5 years ago. I don't remember who said it, so I can't give credit... but I did not come up with this joke. Some people might think it's more nasty than funny, but here's how it goes (as best as I can remember):

A man is driving down a highway in the middle of nowhere. All of a sudden, the man's stomach starts to hurt... he has to go to the bathroom BAD. The guy keeps driving, hoping to come upon a place with a bathroom really quick. About 5 minutes later, he sees a gas station. He pulls over to the gas station to see if anyone was there so he could use the restroom. The gas station is abandoned, but he goes in the bathroom anyway. He sits down on a toilet and proceeds to relieve himself. About 10 minutes later, he's done, and he reaches to grab some toilet paper... there is none. The man contemplates just getting up without wiping, but he doesn't want to be driving for who knows how long before he gets to a place that has toilet paper.

The man is sitting on the toilet wondering what to do. Then he sees this hole in the stall, and he notices that there are words above it. It reads, "Wipe yourself with two fingers, stick your fingers through the hole, and they will be licked clean by a human tongue." The man laughs, but ultimately decides to try it, thinking that nothing would happen anyway. So the man wipes once with his index and middle fingers and then sticks them through the hole...

On the other side of the hole, in the next stall, there's this guy...






with a brick, and he slams the man's fingers. The man jerks his fingers back through the hole and puts them in his own mouth, thus licking them clean.

It sounded funnier when the comedian told it, but oh well, I've already typed it out as best as I could remember.
 
Bob and Ted has been playing pool together since they were ten. They always said if one of them died, that one would come back and tell the other if heaven has a pool league.
After about 30 or 40 years Bob was shooting a game of 8 ball and ... died. Once that happened Ted wanted to know if he was going to come back and let him know. Well, he came back about a week later and said "Hey, man, you won't believe it's great", Bob said. "So they do?". "Well, I have some good news and some bad news", said Bob. "What's the good news?"
And then Bob replied "The good news is that they have a great league team!!! And the bad news is that we have league tomorrow and you're up first..."
 
An Irishman walks into a bar one night and orders three beers. Every time he ordered for the rest of the evening, he also ordered three beers. At the end of the night, the bartender said "Paddy, if you ordered the beer one at a time, they would stay a lot colder".

Paddy said, "Actually, this is a family tradition with me. Me father lives in Dublin, and me brother lives in Australia. We used to drink together and now we can't, so I drink a beer for me, and a beer for me brother, and a beer for me dad, and it gives me the feeling we are still drinking together".

With that being said, the bartender said that he understood now about the tradition and would serve the beers three at a time.

A couple of weeks went by and Paddy continued to order the same way. One night, Paddy came in and only ordered two beers. This went on all night and fearing the worst, the bartender approached Paddy and said he was sorry about the tragedy in his family. Paddy looked puzzled and then he said, "Oh, I see, you think because I only ordered two beers at a time, that there has been a death in me family. That's not the case at all, I've just quit drinking"...
 
An Arkansas State Trooper pulls over a little red sports car one night with two college kids from Wisconsin in it.

As the trooper approached the car, he motioned for the driver to roll his window down. When the driver rolled the window down, the trooper pulled out his nightstick and smacked the driver in the head with it.

"What did you do that for", the driver replied? The trooper responded, "In Arkansas, when a State Trooper approaches your car, you are supposed to have your license out and in plain sight". The driver said, "How was I supposed to know that, since I'm from Wisconsin"? The trooper said, "You'll know about it next time, won't you"?

Then the trooper walked around to the passenger side and motioned for the passenger to roll his window down. When he did, the trooper also smacked him in the head with his nightstick. "What did you do that for", the passenger replied? "I wasn't even driving"! The trooper said, "I did that to make all your wishes come true". "Yeah right", the passenger responded, "I'm sure getting hit in the head was something I'd wish for"

The officer just smiled and said, "I just figured that you'd have got about a mile down the road and you'd have turned to your buddy and said, "I wish that redneck cop would have tried that crap with me"!
 
George stops at a bar on the way home from work for a drink and meets a gorgeous woman, sexy as all get out. They hit it off right away and after just a couple of drinks they go to a motel and screw their brains out. On the way home, George stops at the pool hall and rubs chalk on his hands. When he gets home, his wife screams "Where have you been?!?" He says, "I stopped at a bar, picked up a gorgeous blond, went to a motel and screwed her brains out." "Liar!!" she screams, "You were at the pool hall. How much did you lose?"
:p
 
I'll give it a try..........

Theres a 70 year old man, and 80 year old man, and a 90 year old man,
all having a chat at an old folks home. The 70 year old man says, man,
what I wouldnt give to take a healthy leak again. Then the 80 year old
man says, man, what I wouldnt give to take a healthy dump again. The
90 year old man then chimes in. Well, at 8:00 AM on the nose, I take one
healthy leak, and at 10:00 AM on the nose, I take one sweet healthy
dump. I just wish I could wake up before noon..............
 
One of my favorites:

A 75 year-old man walks into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, last night I had sex with two twenty year-old women at the same time."

The priest asks, "Well, when was your last confession?"

"I've never been to confession father, I'm Jewish."

"Then what are you telling me for?"

"Hell, I'm telling everybody!"
 
Selling Gold

A Chinese fellow has a little extra cash and goes to the Gold Shop and buys an ounce of gold, pays $1000.00. Couple of weeks go by and now he needs some money, goes back to the Gold Shop to sell his ounce of gold, the clerk offers him $900.00 , Oh he cries, I just paid $1000 and now you only give me $900.00, the clerk explains the price of gold fluctuates and now is worth only $900. OK, deal done. A few more weeks go by and the Chinese fellow has a little extra cash again and goes back to the Gold Shop to buy an ounce of Gold. $1050.00 the clerk say, Oh he cries I just sell for $900.00, the clerk explains the price of gold fluctuates and now is worth $1050.00, The Chinese fellow pays reluctantly. A few more weeks go buy and the Chinese fellow is again in need of some cash so goes back to the gold store to sell his gold, Clerk offers $900.00 and begins to explain the price of gold fluctuates, don't tell me, the Chinese fellow say, I know, Flucted again.
I know, not a good joke, a bit long, but I do live in Duluth, MN, not to far from Brainard, Good luck in your move, maybe we will meet at a tournament some where. by the way, this is a true story that happened in my shop.
 
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of Scotch, pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."


The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."


The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."
 
Good Stuff

Alot of good jokes, a forum that even if you lose you win!!!

2 Hours left
 
I dont want to win but I'll share something funny I heard at a bar last week. A few older women (50's or so, older than me) are sitting around talking. One lady puts three fingers up on her right hand and says "You know why you cant masturbate with these three fingers?" I was expecting something deep, these ladies were definitely church type of ladies. The other women say nothing so she blurts out "because they're mine!" They all laughed as well as everyone who was near them.

haha.

:)
 
Guy walks into a bar carrying a cloth bag, and orders two shots of Rye Whiskey in separate shot glasses. He then proudly proclaims that today is his son's 21st Birthday and reaches into the bag and Pulls out a Head, with no body attached. He sets the Head on the Bar and places one of the shots of Whiskey in front it, he then proceeds to make a toast to his son on this special day. Well, needless to say even in a bar full of drunks this little spectacle attracts a crowd of on lookers.

The man shoots down his shot and then he reaches for his son the head, tilts him back and pours the other shot of Rye into the heads mouth. Immediately there is a bang and Hugh puff of smoke right where the head is sitting on the Bar, and as the smoke begins to clear to the amazement of all present the Head has grown a complete torso. Well at this point it is pandemonium, no one can believe their eye's, so Dad quickly orders another round Tilts his son back and pours down another shot. Again, there is bang and another very large puff of smoke, and this time as the smoke clears there is a full grown 21 year old boy laying on the bar minus his legs.

Well let me tell you at this point some people are shocked, some are crying, and dad is having the happiest day of his life so he orders another round. The bar tender brings the two new shot glasses of Rye Whiskey and Dad sits his boy up on the the edge of the bar tilts him back and pours down the third shot. This time there is a very big explosion and twice as much smoke as all the other times put together, and as the smoke clears there is nothing but a pile of ashes where the young man had been, and a single cube of NTC Chalk without a box. Dad starts shaking his head and looks up at the Bar tender and says dam it, I new I should have quite while I was ahead!!!!!!!!!!!!:embarrassed2::embarrassed2::embarrassed2::embarrassed2:

That is the moral of the story folks!!!!:smile:
 
I'll give it another shot.

When I was 16 I had my first sexual experience. At the time, I lived in a little suburb outside of Cleveland and anyway, the girl next door and I were really good friends. Our parents were both gone for the day and she was over watching tv with me. So anyway, we kinda got.. bored I guess? And we started playing truth or dare, which turned into ‘you show me yours, I’ll show you mine”. So anyway there I Was, 16 years old, heart pounding, blood rushing in my ears, and the chick (who was a year older than me actually) takes off her panties and hikes her little skirt up. So What did I do, you ask? I whistled for a cab, and when it came near, the license plate said “fresh” and there were dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought “naw forget it, yo home to Bel-Air!” I pulled up to the house about seven or eight and I yelled to the cabbie “yo homes smell ya later!” Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air.
 
I have 3 sorry!

1) Your Momma is so fat, the horse on her polo shirt is real

2) Why is it that Barbie never gets pregnant?
Because Ken always comes in a different box.

3) A Husband and Wife are laying in bed and the husband lets out a huge fart. He then says, "Touchdown, 7 points for me". The wife concentrates hard and lets out a big one as well, "All tied up folks". The Wife pushes and pushes, and finally lets out a little squeeker. "Field Goal, I'm winning 10 - 7". The man not trying to be out done, pushes and pushes and pushes, finally he pushes a little too hard and accidentally craps in the bed. The wife says, "What was that?". To his reply, "That was the whistle for half time, switch sides!"
 
How do you make and eighty year old woman yell fu<k?

Make another eighty year old woman yell Bingo.

An autistic kid and work tells this joke and and everyone rolling.
 
And the winner is?????

I got to think I'm a front runner here! As I started falling asleep reading some of the novels you guys posted. :rolleyes:
 
One last one since the winner hasn't been announced yet:

A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband. He says "Hey,
don't blame me. I wanted to put it in your ass. But noooo, u thought THAT
would hurt!!"
 
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