The funny pic would be deemed unacceptable on such an intellectually uplifting forum, so you must content yourselves with the narrative. :grin:
ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram
of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the
place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he
said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A
TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a
box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss
MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must
never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies..
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food
that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water,
only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets
of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it
with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric
system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the
whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -
and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and
urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with
a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose,
watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof,
you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic,
here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is
pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.
There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You
spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom,
spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you
figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another
liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your
bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that
you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had
been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.
I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize
to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be
enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms
said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy
people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took
off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments
designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually
naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my
left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very
good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some
people put vodka in their MoviPrep..
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but
then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy
to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in
full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your
house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure
room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew
Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously
nervous at this point..
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist
began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the
song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of
all the songs that could be playing during this particular
procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind
me..
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been
dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare
yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail,
exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and
the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a
very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It
was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I
have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam
were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following
are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male)
while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc.. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'Now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is
not up there?'
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