marriage vs. pool smh

[SpiderWebComm]

There is room in life for both. Non pool player just don't understand pool is a bigger commitment then say going to yoga.

I know what you're saying and I totally agree with your general point, but yoga is a bad example. She (me) pays $140 for 10 sessions or $24/individual session (hot yoga). Do the math (Cleary-style) on that one time. So commitment could be "time" or commitment could be "money." At least with pool, you have the opportunity to break even! Shit.

It's a total highway robbery heist horse-fuggin' rip-off waste-of-time, but I "pay-up" just so I don't get pinched for paying for table time.

 

[Black-Balled]

Yeah, but you always play well Easy!

I think this entire thread is a microcosm of nature.

Most people who play pool, are "into" stuff. They're students of many things and enjoy learning and enjoy the feeling of something "well executed." We do these things because we either want (or need) to compete or maybe we just want to see how well can do something.

: pink mist.

Fuggin Spidey!

WTF did you have for dinner last night? You are full of good shit today.

 

[Black-Balled]

At least with pool, you have the opportunity to break even! Shit...

Non-players just do not get how HUGE that is, do they?

What other recreational activity can you go to that might pay you for showing up?!
:bow-down:

 

[Koop]

I agree completely. Each person NEEDS their own time. I am lucky that sometimes my job sends me to places for only a few weeks at a time, so I don't pack up the family and take them with me. I just arrived in New Hampshire and will be here for a month or so, I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!!!:grin:

Sometimes marriages are beyond help. If Evan decides to cut WAAAAAY back on his pool playing, and 6 months later the problems are still there, I'd bail. But I doubt that would be the case if it's given a true effort.

NH, yeah buddy! I'll be up to shoot some soon.

 

[JoeyA]

This is an important subject because it can affect the rest of your life and hers. Be careful about the advice you receive here. The people here have a serious bias toward pool.

I believe one of the problems that many of us have, is that the more we play pool, the more we want to play pool. When we have success or improvement at pool, we feel good about ourselves and want to feel even better. This is a perpetual thing for some of us, especially for those of us who are naturally competitive.

When some women see their man, truly loving anything in a passionate way, they are sometimes resentful because they want to feel like they are the most important thing in your life. I think some women view pool as a mistress to their husbands and want to put a stop to it.

Yours is a difficult situation. It is good that you love your wife as you do but you have a serious problem. Each marriage is different. Some women have different needs just like men have different needs. In a good marriage, both parties have to consider the needs of the other person and make every attempt to cater to those needs. Without that discovery and attempt to satisfy those important needs, the marriage cannot be a win-win relationship and will most likely fail.

I would advise marriage counseling with a professional.

Secondly, as others have suggested, I would discuss your dilemma in detail with your wife and be completely honest about your feelings and ask her for the same. The sooner you open up to each other about exactly what is going on, the sooner you can get this marriage back on the merry-go-round.

Thirdly, I would strongly consider purchasing a pool table for your house. If you don't have room for a table, get a bigger place, that will have room for a table. I would discuss this with the wife.

Just know this: I have known some people who have purchased a table and only come out for competition, such as tournaments and gambling. Practice is always done at home. With some other people, the table soon becomes a table for storing items on. A few will dedicate themselves to practicing for years.

You most likely don't have children right now as you did not mention it. If you are going to have children, a pool career on the side of a regular job will take away from the time that you spend with your children. Children need both parents time so that they can be nurtured, just as your feelings and the feelings of your wife need to be nurtured.

There are FAR MORE WIVES less likely to put up with a "driven pool aficionado" than there are ones who will tolerate a compulsive passion which you apparently have.

So marriage counseling......first. When both of you can learn to be completely open with each other and fair, you can then determine your future together or not.

Your wife made an agreement and has now backed out of it. Sometimes in marriage, we agree to something that eventually causes us too much angst and we have to re-negotiate.

As others have mentioned, "control" by either party is not a healthy thing for a marriage but neither is playing pool seven days a week. I know you don't play seven days a week but you get the idea.

There is nothing in the world like having a life partner that you love and know you can depend on. The best pool game in the world can't compare to that. And if you have love and respect with and for that life partner, well then, you're on top of the world.

A few questions to ask yourself: Do you take every opportunity to tell your wife how you feel about her? Do you take every opportunity to not only tell her but to show her how you feel? Also, looking in the mirror, are you really being honest about how you feel about your wife? And finally, if you were to give up your quest to be a pool player, how would that affect your life? Would you really be miserable, or would you find other things to do that would make you similarly happy?

A good and loving wife can add balance to a tumultuous life journey. Pool on the other hand, without a wife, well, I don't know how that goes but without a wife and son, I doubt that pool would be much more than a bottle to drown my sorrows in.

JoeyA

 

[dorabelle]

Yoga people might disagree. Any hobby can become an obsession if you want it to.

True but she already gets 5x more yoga then he gets of pool and she feels justified in this. The OP loves his wife and doesn't make an issue abou it, but she can? It sounds like the OP wants to be a better pool player then a few hours a week will allow him to become. There are people who are content playing pool a night every week or two but there are those who aren't and that's ok.
These are things that I would think about before marriage and especially kids.

 

[Black-Balled]

True but she already gets 5x more yoga then he gets of pool and she feels justified in this. The OP loves his wife and doesn't make an issue abou it, but she can? It sounds like the OP wants to be a better pool player then a few hours a week will allow him to become. There are people who are content playing pool a night every week or two but there are those who aren't and that's ok.
These are things that I would think about before marriage and especially kids.

I think you are playing with us.

You know she folowed him to Korea, then gets left at home.

Her fitness classes aren't hours long, like a pool night.

You are spot-on about them not being ready for kids. Sounds like she may not be in it for the long-haul anyway, given that the OP said she does not appear to want kids.

 

[dorabelle]

Charlie, I'm sorry for what you're going through right now.
Here is my opinion. If what you say is correct (she didn't tell you how she felt and you stopped going out shen she did pipe up) then I think it's unacceptable for her to take your son away. What she did was something to consider as a last resort when counselling or mediation or just talking fail. I think kids deserve to grow up in the same house as both their parents if possible. It takes two to tango. She had a responsibility to her family as well. hang in there Charlie.

 

[Island Drive]

Thanks for the replies.

We dont have any kids. i honestly believe she doesnt want kids.

QUOTE]

Just seeing this comment SCREAMS poor communication....I'm not being rude but realistic, as a parent of two grown, educated women.

GOOD LUCK....

 

[SpiderWebComm]

Non-players just do not get how HUGE that is, do they?

What other recreational activity can you go to that might pay you for showing up?!
:bow-down:

When it comes to a serious hobby, breaking-even is a MONSTER. If you're constantly making money with your hobby, you either have a brilliant mind, amazing coordination or both.

Imagine flying a remote control helicopter or ducted-fan jet airplane where if you crash badly....$300. If you hard-land....$100. If you don't wreck at all, but god damn it -- the helicopter doesn't hover dead-level-perfect (which drives you nuts) or the plane veers in a direction beyond the realm of the control trim....$50. It's almost like playing in a pot-limit stud game and constantly getting 2nd-best hands...forever.

How do you make money and break even at that crap? HA - I just read some dude in my area started to hook up wireless cameras to his airplanes and helicopters and started taking photos for realtors for homes coming on the market...charging $25/photo or something like that. UNREAL! How simple is that?? The ironic thing is I was flying with first-person (FPV) cameras WAY BACK and sending RF video to a receiving unit where I had my virtual reality headset plugged-in so I could fly around the neighborhood at 130mph as if I was 4" tall sitting in the cockpit, all NORAD-like. Never once did I think to do something as simple as take photos for money -- I was too busy running a civilian air patrol over my development looking for enemy MiGs that didn't exist.

That gaff came to a halt when I ordered a new R/C F-18 hornet for almost $400 and after spending a week building the thing on top my my pool table, I wrecked it immediately after take-off. I was like, WTF?!?! Ohhhhh shit... I forgot to slide the battery all the way back, which pushed the center of gravity forward. That was like sending $400 in on a black jack table just to take a chance, getting K-4 against a 10 showing, hitting and drawing another king.... except that took longer than my actual flight, which was like 3 seconds.

Some ladies don't know how well they have it dating a pool player who breaks even or makes money. God forbid they're into guns or something and pump 223 rounds out at like 75 cents per trigger pull or something:

Letting these off about 1 / second or so:
*BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

Asking the spotter: "Did I hit it the @(#$* bull or what?"
Spotter: "Nope - 7 o'clock low, 2 rings out"

(Adjusts the scope a few clicks)

*BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

"How about now?"
Spotter: "Nope - 1 o'clock high, 1 ring out"

(...click...click....on the scope)

*BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

"How about now?"
Spotter: "I don't know -- you're all over the place. Maybe it's you - maybe you're just flinching or something"

Result: $20 blown in a few minutes and your head ready to explode. If you keep it up, it's cheaper to go to the strip joint....way cheaper.
(^ stupid example that's not realistic based on how I described it -- but they go quick)

 

[JC]

Yeah, but you always play well Easy!

I think this entire thread is a microcosm of nature.

Most people who play pool, are "into" stuff. They're students of many things and enjoy learning and enjoy the feeling of something "well executed." We do these things because we either want (or need) to compete or maybe we just want to see how well can do something.

Outside of pool, some of us are into cars, some are into computers / gaming / programming, some might be into remote controlled cars or aircraft, many are into golf, and some might even love to play an instrument. Regardless of what "the thing" is that we enjoy, I'd venture to say many of the guys/girls (this thread applies to some girls, but in the opposite direction) on AZB have a drive to learn, execute, compete, analyze and revise -- regardless of what the activity is.

It's my humble opinion that someone who fits that mold (as their nature) can never be with someone who needs to be led around to be shown what to do all the time - who otherwise becomes "paralyzed" and lonely without that direction.

Above is the best response in this thread. My wife calls it "projects and documentaries". That's the nature of many if not most pool lovers. Give up pool and there will be something else. People who wait around all the time for others get them interested in things will never understand.

JC

 

[Charlie Hustle]

Charlie, I'm sorry for what you're going through right now.
Here is my opinion. If what you say is correct (she didn't tell you how she felt and you stopped going out shen she did pipe up) then I think it's unacceptable for her to take your son away. What she did was something to consider as a last resort when counselling or mediation or just talking fail. I think kids deserve to grow up in the same house as both their parents if possible. It takes two to tango. She had a responsibility to her family as well. hang in there Charlie.

Thank you. She had mentioned counseling about a month before she left. I agreed and said I would go. Then a week before she left, I asked if she was ready to go, and that a friend of mine and his wife had gone with really good results. She said she wasn't quite ready for that. But obviously at that point she already had her mind made up to leave. I also agree with you that every child deserves to have both parents present in the household. Part of me is really upset with how she just quit and left the way she did. I was all for counseling or whatever it took to make our family work.

 

[Nine ... corner]

There is a nugget in here that everybody is missing...you are in Korea? Presuming you come from the states, that is a long way from people you and she know.

I'm thinking that it must be a job, probably your job, that took you to Korea. I'm guessing this already put stress into your relationship.

If the above is true, I'm taking her side...and I normally wouldn't.

You are in Korea for three more months. Put the cues in the closet and pick it up when you get back stateside.

dld

Best post in this thread. I've got but two pieces of advice for the OP.

#1 ... Don't take relationship advice from a public forum!

#2 ... If you can't heed point number one then take DoubleD's advice outlined above.

Good luck.

 

[Lonestar_jim]

The answer, LOL

First off : Charlie I feel awful about what your going through. I'm really sorry, but you'll sort it out and be there for your son I'm sure. Kids are great. I have several.

Now to the O.P.

Hey some of these guys may be right, she may want some control, I don't know. She may be insecure about stuff between you two and she wants to sort of get you back from the pool related away time. She may truly feel like your away too much and don't spend enough time with her, I don't know. These relationships are not easy.

If you give 100% and she gives 95% there is a problem. Much better for you both to give 50% while meeting each others needs. You need to try and figure out what her needs are and she yours. If pool is a need of yours then you need that to be met and she better step up and help. If Yoga is a big deal to her then you need to try and support her on it. Supporting hobbies are similar to supporting emotional and physical needs, but meeting the emotional and physical needs are going to take the marriage further and lead to better intimacy which is the ultimate key to a successful relationship. Do you try to do things for each other in this manner ? Some chicks and guys are pretty tough nuts to crack and don't want to let each other meet certain needs (usually emotional).

Let me offer a tactic that should help, but it may be a bit too late especially if she is threatened by pool because she knows how much you get out of it.

When you return to her after playing, Don't rehash the thrills of the victory or the play by play. If anything you'll want to down play it. Maybe even grumble a bit. Be sure to ask her how her day/evening went and let her know that you missed her and are happy to be home. A text or two during the pool session may help as well and shouldn't distract you from your passionate hobby too much.

Now if she is asleep when you get home, you won't be able to do some of these things. It would also not be of use to cover that ground the next day or morning (grumbling, happy to be home, etc.)

In my opinion if you are coming home to her two nights a week and she is asleep both nights this is probably not going to get better and you may want to drop back to one night, if you are staying out late past bedtime.

Need more information at this point, but even though I threw out some marriage counseling stuff, I agree with some who have stated that chicks need to support their man's hobby and alone time ! Problem is though that not all chicks are ready to do it at the drop of a hat if things are fragile in other areas. 5 years of marriage is not a long time at all.

I was married 18 years and never played pool, but I bowled one night a week for the first 6 months or so, but gave that up out of guilt and money was tight too. Looking back I know I didn't do it all right, but I would never ever compromise my personal time / hobbies for marriage in the future. Just don't go overboard with it. Balance is the key to healthy living.:smile:

 

[SpiderWebComm]

Thank you. She had mentioned counseling about a month before she left. I agreed and said I would go. Then a week before she left, I asked if she was ready to go, and that a friend of mine and his wife had gone with really good results. She said she wasn't quite ready for that. But obviously at that point she already had her mind made up to leave. I also agree with you that every child deserves to have both parents present in the household. Part of me is really upset with how she just quit and left the way she did. I was all for counseling or whatever it took to make our family work.

Let me tell you how the counseling thing plays-out:

- Counselor enters room, usually female, sits down and asks what brings you here today.

- Your woman explains to her all the woes in the world of why things aren't going well: He does this, he does that, he says this but does that, etc.

- Counselor's eye-brows raise and she nods her head while taking notes, visibly fascinated with your woman's plight, almost putting on a pouty-face with commiseration

- Everything you hear is a total fantasy-land twist of things -- and it's all your fault, she's the victim, which (typically) is what brought you there to begin with.

- When it's your turn, you spell shit out and lay it down better than Johnny Cochran and don't even need to give "The Chewbacca Defense" - you're clearly innocent as you're clearly dealing with Martha Stewart on one day and Charles Manson on the next.

- The counselor's eye-brows drop and crinkle-down a bit, a look of consternation hits her face, more notes are taken.

- The counselor and your woman build immediate rapport (it's clear the counselor has NEVER been laid in her life, so she's clearly talking out of a text book and 50 Shades of Gray)

- The counselor tells you that you have to work harder to be more sensitive to her needs and communicate better instead of telling your woman that she needs to stop asking questions that have no right answers because you're on to her BS with the fight-picking.

(catch my drift?)

That shit is such a setup, it wouldn't surprise me if Don King himself were behind the 2-way mirror dictating word for word what the counselor is saying.

 

[Black-Balled]

When it comes to a serious hobby, breaking-even is a MONSTER. If you're constantly making money with your hobby, you either have a brilliant mind, amazing coordination or both.

I know the shifters on my bcycle cost $400+...and the gears on the back, $300+...and the prdals, $350.

I finished in the money a few times one year, racing the top regional class: $500 and a tire.

 

[Sloppy Pockets]

I have thought of divorce for several years but I really love her to death. That being said I when I am not practicing or competing I am thinking about practicing or competing even when I am home with her. What is your guy's advice?

You've only been married 5 years and you've been thinking about divorcing her for several of them?

Romantic love is a relatively recent concept for humanity, and I feel it is way overrated. Compatibility is everything in a relationship.

If you feel like you can't live your life the way you want to, you will not be compatible with this person over the long term. You will feel trapped and become unhappy, in spite of your feelings of love for this woman. If you are unhappy, you will not be fully able to demonstrate this love to her and she will become unhappy, even if you are around her constantly.

Fact is, some men actually like to be controlled despite all of their protestations. I am not one of them, and I consider myself lucky that my wife of 35 years has always let me go my way and play when and where I want to. She gets the same freedom from me, which is also what she needs. I wish she shared more of my interests so we could spend more quality time together (she's a great gal to be around - attractive, kind, friendly, and incredibly funny), but the freedom we both have is worth ten times that. I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[Celophanewrap]

I think that many pool players are something like Corvette owners or Harley Davidson owners, that bike or that car is their first, last, and best love. It's an extension of themselves, it's what they are, it consumes them. They shine and wax with such care, when it goes into the shop for service they pace about like a worried parent, if it gets bumped, or chipped or scratched many times they actually have physical pain.

It may be time evaluate just what's important to you. There are very few of us that will ever have a job called Billiard or Pool Professional, but still we'd like to be the very best we can be. Maybe the very best some of us can be is to be a married, family guy that plays pool. If it were that we were pros, well then I guess that we'd be Pool Players that happened to be married.

I doubt that she wants you to give it up, having you at the house for all that extra time would undoubtedly spell the end of your relationship. I know couples that were happily married until they retired. Then they spent so much time together that they ended up finding so many things to hate about each other and they separate or divorced. So I doubt that she wants you to give it up, but I'm sure she'd like to know that you would.

Is she being unfair? Maybe, maybe not, maybe you are. Ask yourself, is she the girl that you can't live without? If the answer is "yes", then that spells trouble, if the answer is "*shrug* and no, not really", then maybe you should pack up your cues and file before she does, if the answer is "I could, but I don't want to" then you need to find pool it's proper place - in the back seat.

Think about it this way, there are some things we can't take back, some things that define what we are. There are people that have passed on from this world that I was angry at when they died or were angry at me, but I still talk to them, about them and I remember them as friends or family, that's forever. There are people that when the they do pass on I will find their grave and piss on it and spit on it, that's forever.

If I ever chose pool over my family I'd expect that they'd never forget that, no matter how sorry I was, that's forever. Watching The Disney Channel with my wife and daughter, all of us cooking dinner together, spending the night in the hospital because one of us is there for some ailment and we refuse to leave each other's side, having them happy for me and proud of me because I qualified to play in a national tournament, those things are forever.

Get your own table, let your wife pick it out, get her a cue even if she never uses it and put it in a rack in the wall or in a case next to the table. Skip a night out playing and take her to dinner and don't mention pool. She'll know you didn't go play to be out with her but probably won't say anything and it will buy you quite a bit of good will.
... or just continue what you've been doing and when the phone numbers that you don't know and the smile she can't or won't explain, or the distance between you two grows, or when she is suddenly out on nights that you're not, when those things start to happen she won't really need to explain, will she?

It's like when you break a new rack - evaluate and make your best choice, but be ready to live with what ever happens, I don't think there's a defensive shot here, you kinda have to pick a direction and go for it, good luck.

 

[jgobigred]

My wife and I started having this problem after she got pregnant. I worked 60+ hours a week and played league 2 nights a week and usually tournaments every Friday. I took off summer league last year since our due date was in June and then resumed playing in the fall one night a week. She was really *****y about it at first but now she doesn't usually complain. But now I make sure she has as little to complain about as possible. I usually work only about 50 hours a week (she works about 45), I make sure I do the dishes, take out the garbage, wash the pump parts and pack her pump bag, help with laundry, vacuum, go to all the stuff she wants me to go to, watch our daughter so she can relax, change diapers, feed our daughter, clean the high chair, don't watch tv and play or read to my daughter instead, etc, etc 6 days a week. I try to basically be Superdad 6 days a week and then I get my one night a week to fail miserably in pool league. I also make sure that I keep texting her and responding to her texts while I'm at league (except during my games) and answer her calls before league starts. She works 10am-6:30pm league nights and then 5:15am-2:15pm the following day so I empathize with her having to take care of our daughter and get some sleep so I try to leave her with as little to do on her own on league night. It might seem like a lot to do for one night but I'm being the best dad and husband I can be 6 days a week to have one night away and it seems to work for us. Short story long: actually try to do everything she wants and needs when you're not playing pool and if she can't be happy with you having at least one night a week for league, life's too short to put up with that shit!!

 

[The Kiss]

Yeah I used to play a ton before I got married. 12 hours of pool on a weekend was nothing. Couple Tournaments during the week. For the 1st 3 years of marriage I stopped playing all together. We moved into a house and I put a table in the man cave and play maybe 1 tournament a week and a few hours a week. But my game will never see the highs of those 12 hour days at the hall. But being married has been the best thing for me and I would not trade that for the world.

Unfortunately the wife won't even play on the GC 3 in the man cave has no interest. I am at least trying to get her play so she can rack em up for me:thumbup: