marriage vs. pool smh

[Diamond69]

I don't mind talking about it now (3 months after it has happened). Originally I didn't have the motivation to do anything. I didn't open my case for nearly 2 months, I didn't want to work out, swim in my own pool, etc. Slowly things are starting to come back to me. I would say about 75-80% of it was due to pool and the other 25% was due to drinking. (I always drink in tourneys or when I gamble). To my credit she had/has a very difficult time communicating. She would always go to her friends or mom with her problems and never sit down and talk with me. Of course I found all this out after she had left. Just recently she told me that in one week that she was pregnant I was out 6 nights out of the week. The sad thing is I honestly don't remember it. I feel absolutely horrible about it. That shows me that I was an extremely selfish person. But like I said before, now I know what matters in life, and its def not a game or fast car or alcohol. Let me know if you have any other questions.

Thanks for your candid response. Don't know how long you were married or anything. I read your post and don't blame pool or drinking, but communication. Communication is what led to the demise of my marriage (ultimately infidelity on her part, but root cause would be communication), and I'm sure many others. Only you know if she had communicated her concerns if it would have had an impact on what you were doing.
What got me through was me telling myself "In 6 months I will be better off than I was 6 months ago".
Divorce is one of the most difficult times in anyone's life. It looks like you are starting to heal and I wish nothing but the best to you and your son as life moves forward.

 

[JC]

I gave up pool in my 20s to raise a family and ended up divorced anyway. I will not give up pool again for a woman.

JC

 

[JC]

Communication is what led to the demise of my marriage (ultimately infidelity on her part, but root cause would be communication), and I'm sure many others. Only you know if she had communicated her concerns if it would have had an impact on what you were doing.

Who told you that crap, a counselor or self help book? Let me straighten the record out for you. The root cause was that she was a selfish slut with no self control. How's that for communication?

JC

 

[Diamond69]

Thanks again, really means a lot to me. Also know, I had always planned on being the best possible father I could be to my son. They say it doesn't hit the father as quickly as the mother when she becomes pregnant. After he was born we both agreed on my only going out 1 night a week. I held up to that 95% of the time. She just couldn't get over the hurt and pain I caused when she was home alone pregnant and I was out gambling till 6 in the morning.

I had a somewhat similar experience that started my pool hiatus. I worked nights and would gamble from after work til 7 or 8 in the AM. After a particular night of a GREAT score, I drove home on cloud nine!

When I got home, there was a message on my answering machine from my dad. I called to find out my grandma was in the hospital and wasn't going to make it. I told him I was on my way (90 minute drive) and he begged me not to come because he knew I had been awake way too long and didn't want to have to worry about me as well as his mother.

Well, I never got to see grandma again and as a result, I hadn't picked up a cue in years. That day took away my enjoyment of the game. As mentioned, I'm back in pool again and loving it, but I don't gamble (big) anymore because the high of my win and the low of the message just took too much out of me to enjoy the gambling aspect.

 

[SpiderWebComm]

Finally, a thread I know something about!

I'm guessing that almost every guy pool player who is in any kind of relationship has to deal with the situation you're describing. For me, I've been dating my fiancee for a number of years now and suffice it to say, if she didn't work at the hospital 3 or 4 days a week from 12pm to 12am, we'd be drawing-dead for sure.

In fact, I think I've lost every single girlfriend I've ever had due to "playing pool too much." In the beginning, they ALL say the exact same thing:

"Oh my God - you really play well! In fact, you're the best pool player I've ever seen!"
(NOTE: That's only because none of these broads have ever seen ANYONE who can play, play.)

... and then they all continue to say (does this sound familiar guys??):

"I can't believe your other girl friends never supported you! Well, I'M GOING TO SUPPORT YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND YOU CAN REALLY PLAY!"

And for some reason, guys, we keep buying this bullsh1t because we all love to have our egos strokes just like some other things, so we feel EMPOWERED! The next thing ya know, she stops supporting you because, well, she always knew you liked to play pool, but not THAT MUCH pool!

The next thing ya know, you're getting "The Sit-down" where she tells you that she's concerned about your relationship, how you don't pay attention to her, how she feels you love pool more than her (*** any of this sound familiar??? ***), and eventually tells you it's just not going to work out... and how you need to find someone who supports you in that endeavor because it's not for her. In the end, you feel like kicking a hole in the wall, because it was HER that told you she would support you in the first place and pumped you up to play better at the beginning of the relationship!

I often see guys with wives or girl friends who have their own cue, their own case, might even own a glove and some actually play really well! Can you imagine how luck-boxified those guys are? To have your woman bug YOU to go play? Psssh... that's like... "The impossible dream."

Back to the OP's specific situation--

Whoever you're with long-term must:

A) Not give a shit (as long as you're balanced in your behavior / pool playing) and not try to control you.

B) Have their OWN hobby that they can do while you play pool. I think you should have 2 days a week where you each can go do whatever without getting hen-pecked to death. If they don't have something to do that day, tell them to garden, do laundry, cook, read a book, watch Geraldo, do something - just don't hen-peck your teeth in because they resent the fact that you have a real hobby.

C) Works a different shift

D) Plays pool too.


If your wife doesn't fit within A/B/C/D, you're up shit-creek without a paddle, buddy.

NEVER EVER EVER quit playing pool because she voices her concerns that it's ruining your relationship. Mind you, you MUST be balanced: you can't play every day and you have to spend the majority of the week doing their crap (which earns you the right to do your crap).

Take it from an expert in this field (ME): If you ARE balanced in your behavior and they STILL give you the sit-down talk and you DO stop playing pool because you're rattled and you actually love the woman, it NEVER stops with pool. They'll make you quit whatever and try to mold you into some robot stepford-husband BS that lives for THEM and not yourself. It's like having sex with a gorilla: You're done, when the GORILLA is done. Never forget that.

Not to mention, when a guy who is a pool-player at heart quits playing pool, it's like being a pornstar who is trying to not have sex. Eventually, you snap and bang the world - or, more to the point: play pool 24/7 without a care if she is there when you come home.

If my fiancee worked the same shift as me (8am to 5pm, M-F), I'd be single. Whenever she works, I'm at the pool room. When she's not working, I'm doing what she wants to do, for the most part. If she switches jobs, I'm screwed.

You can't quit pool - it's in your nature.

 

[Diamond69]

Who told you that crap, a counselor or self help book? Let me straighten the record out for you. The root cause was that she was a selfish slut with no self control. How's that for communication?

JC

I like the tough love JC! Reminds me of this. But as an analyst by profession, I tend to peel back the onion an extra layer. I'm not a Dr. Phil prodigy by any means.

 

[Diamond69]

Finally, a thread I know something about!

I'm guessing that almost every guy pool player who is in any kind of relationship has to deal with the situation you're describing. For me, I've been dating my fiancee for a number of years now and suffice it to say, if she didn't work at the hospital 3 or 4 days a week from 12pm to 12am, we'd be drawing-dead for sure.

In fact, I think I've lost every single girlfriend I've ever had due to "playing pool too much." In the beginning, they ALL say the exact same thing:

"Oh my God - you really play well! In fact, you're the best pool player I've ever seen!"
(NOTE: That's only because none of these broads have ever seen ANYONE who can play, play.)

... and then they all continue to say (does this sound familiar guys??):

"I can't believe your other girl friends never supported you! Well, I'M GOING TO SUPPORT YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND YOU CAN REALLY PLAY!"

And for some reason, guys, we keep buying this bullsh1t because we all love to have our egos strokes just like some other things, so we feel EMPOWERED! The next thing ya know, she stops supporting you because, well, she always knew you liked to play pool, but not THAT MUCH pool!

The next thing ya know, you're getting "The Sit-down" where she tells you that she's concerned about your relationship, how you don't pay attention to her, how she feels you love pool more than her (*** any of this sound familiar??? ***), and eventually tells you it's just not going to work out... and how you need to find someone who supports you in that endeavor because it's not for her. In the end, you feel like kicking a hole in the wall, because it was HER that told you she would support you in the first place and pumped you up to play better at the beginning of the relationship!

I often see guys with wives or girl friends who have their own cue, their own case, might even own a glove and some actually play really well! Can you imagine how luck-boxified those guys are? To have your woman bug YOU to go play? Psssh... that's like... "The impossible dream."

Back to the OP's specific situation--

Whoever you're with long-term must:

A) Not give a shit (as long as you're balanced in your behavior / pool playing) and not try to control you.

B) Have their OWN hobby that they can do while you play pool. I think you should have 2 days a week where you each can go do whatever without getting hen-pecked to death. If they don't have something to do that day, tell them to garden, do laundry, cook, read a book, watch Geraldo, do something - just don't hen-peck your teeth in because they resent the fact that you have a real hobby.

C) Works a different shift

D) Plays pool too.


If your wife doesn't fit within A/B/C/D, you're up shit-creek without a paddle, buddy.

NEVER EVER EVER quit playing pool because she voices her concerns that it's ruining your relationship. Mind you, you MUST be balanced: you can't play every day and you have to spend the majority of the week doing their crap (which earns you the right to do your crap).

Take it from an expert in this field (ME): If you ARE balanced in your behavior and they STILL give you the sit-down talk and you DO stop playing pool because you're rattled and you actually love the woman, it NEVER stops with pool. They'll make you quit whatever and try to mold you into some robot stepford-husband BS that lives for THEM and not yourself. It's like having sex with a gorilla: You're done, when the GORILLA is done. Never forget that.

Not to mention, when a guy who is a pool-player at heart quits playing pool, it's like being a pornstar who is trying to not have sex. Eventually, you snap and bang the world - or, more to the point: play pool 24/7 without a care if she is there when you come home.

If my fiancee worked the same shift as me (8am to 5pm, M-F), I'd be single. Whenever she works, I'm at the pool room. When she's not working, I'm doing what she wants to do, for the most part. If she switches jobs, I'm screwed.

You can't quit pool - it's in your nature.

And collective heads on AZB across the world nod in agreement!

Must spread reputation around before giving to SpiderWebCom again.

 

[SpiderWebComm]

To my credit she had/has a very difficult time communicating. She would always go to her friends or mom with her problems and never sit down and talk with me.

You're not unique:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJ5-IjxuHxI&t=33m30s

Let me know if that sounds familiar. Sam had it figured out back in the 80's.
Dave

 

[Dirtbmw20]

This. I made the same stupid mistake and regret it every fvcking day. My son is only 1 and it eats me up every time I take him back to his moms place and he cries his eyes out when I go to leave. I can only imagine how bad it will be when he starts talking and doesn't want me to go...

Wow....... I'm really sorry to read this Charlie, haveing a 23 month old son that is the center of my Universe, I can't even imagine not seeing him every single day, my heart breaks for you, regardless if it was because of a poor decision you made in the past, my heart just really breaks reading this and thinking about my son.

These is a TON of advice in this thread already, don't know wether it is good or bad advice, you will be the only one who can answer that question.

I will say that I must have ended up with the last good woman. We've been together for 17 years, been married for almost 12 years. She misses me on league night but she INSISTS that I play on league because she KNOWS I like it and, it's my own time away, and it's my time with my friends. This session I am only playing one night a week, but usually it is 2 nights a week. She doesn't mind at all and stays home with the baby. I think it bothers me more than it bothers her, because on league nights I go straight from work and I don't get to see my son at all on the nights I shoot league.

I do cue repair work at the house. I would ALMOST (notice I said ALMOST) rather sit at home and work on cues because my son LOVES to sit there and watch me. I just want to be with or be around him at every moment I have.

My wife has given up alot in her life for ME, so if came right down to it, I love my wife very much and would give up pool for her IF I had to, but she would never ask me to do it. Good luck on your decision and don't let your friends (or even forum members) make that decision for you.


After ALL that if NOTHING else works, just recite this poem to her over and over......

Roses are red
The sun is gold
Now get on your knees
And do as your told......

Most likely, she'll push you out the door to get rid of you after that. :grin:

 

[easy-e]

I used to have this mentality as well. Then my wife left one day when I was out of town, and filed for divorce. Ask yourself this, when its all said and done do you want to be the lonely guy in the pool hall who is there everyday with no wife or kids, or would you prefer to have a loving wife and children? I know the answer is real fvcking simple for me. Pool is just a game.

I agree with this. If you give up a woman you love for a game than you better prepare to be a lonely guy. Who cares if your game slips a ball or two because you only get to play once a month.

I divorced my first wife (not pool-related) and it crushed me, I thought my life was over. Then I met a girl, fell in love all over again, and was married less than a year later. I hardly play pool anymore, my speed has slipped a lot, but I'd rather spend time with my wife and kids than hitting some pool balls around.

In the end you just have to pick a side and jump. Trying to have both is only going to keep you frustrated and make things worse.

 

[worktheknight]

Before we wed, my wife knew pool was my escape, my relaxation, and my thrill to compete. She was a spectator and watched many events as I made sure I made something out of the trip to a tournament for her. My wife got to the point where she actually knew what anyone at the table wanted to do, even if it was playing a safe. My wife finally mentioned she wanted to learn more as she would play a game or so at the bars. It did help that her father was a league player though. Her first lesson was how to play a legal safe !!, I picked a night, got some people together who wanted to play pool, all never really had before and myself, my wife and three others formed a team on a league where they didn't feel to much intimidation and learned the rules and so on and so on. It's now 15 years later and she has won a couple of state titles with her now female team, finished second in the state titles several times and they are very competitive. I have always allowed her to have her space as I only tell her things when she asks. We have had great times in shooting mixed scotch together and I never get angry or disappointed as the other posts can show what can happen. She loves pool, has the reputation of being a evil safety player as she shows more patience than most men and will play safety countless times to get that ball in hand. She shoots soft and does not have the aggressive stroke I know she could obtain, but, she is a smart player and fun to watch. It's been amazing to see just how well she has done in a relatively short time. I will also say, that in the VNEA league system all the way to Vegas Nationals, here in Minnesota, there is some very, very strong female teams and she has earned her own respect. It's hard, but, my suggestion is you can't force a hobby on someone, but, even if you could get your wife involved in keeping score, become part of the team and hopefully share some laughs. There are plenty of little practice drills my wife started with and only done ten shots a day and only two drills a day, but, in time, she wanted more. It's been very crazy special to see either my wife or myself and about half the time, we both are shooting in the top 16 teams on Sunday. Best of luck and hopefully your wife could possibly see a little involvement on her part gets a little back.

 

[CreeDo]

I got divorced a while ago, from spending too much time at pool and other hobbies, not enough with her.
This is what I took away from it, years later:

- Don't assume it's about control. That's a very specific problem. Hopefully (probably) not the issue here.
She may simply feel lonely. Yes, you made a schedule and she has her own activities.
But when she's doing those things she's still not spending time with you. That doesn't fix the problem.
She doesn't want to give up her hobbies any more than you do, but she needs more time with you.

For me it was a timing thing - the times when she's at home, the evenings when she'd love to hang out
and eat dinner, watch a movie, whatever... are the times most pool players want to play.
Who wants to shoot in the middle of the day?
But that may be what you need to do.

Worry less about how many hours you spend together,
and play around with when you spend time together.

See if you get any satisfaction out of shooting during the day, and make some friends
in the same boat who can join you. Or, see if she doesn't object to you hanging out for a while,
and then going to shoot when she's near ready for bed... if your room closes at 2, you can start
as late as 10 and still get a lot of pool in.

I know I have at least one married buddy I simply never see anymore.
He's shooting at 11 AM when most decent pool players are in bed.
It sucks, I miss him, but he's shooting all the time & improving... and his marriage is stable.

- There may be other issues and pool itself is not the problem.
She may hate that you come home late and wake her when she's sound asleep.
Or if you're coming home tipsy a little too often, or smelling of smoke or whatever.
Or it may just be that she's feeling neglected, or that she needs more help with chores,
or she feels unattractive, or like she isn't fun or interesting enough to hold your attention.
Pool is just the catalyst, or the excuse.

- Maybe get friends to come over? A lot of us love the game but also use it as the main way
we socialize and hang out with buddies. You might find an evening hanging out with
friends at your house is nearly as satisfying as hanging out with them at the pool hall.
And she may enjoy it too, especially if they bring their own wives/gfs.

- This last bit's gonna suck but here it is: Divorce may be the right answer.
I wasn't ready to give up my time and live the married life. You may not be either.
The divorce itself was really sad and painful but I can honestly say I'm content now,
in a way I wasn't before. I go out and shoot when I want, for as long as I want,
and don't worry about the noise I make when I come in at 2 am.
Then I stay up and watch a movie and go to bed whenever.
There are things I miss about married life but there are many things I don't.
I hear my friends talking about being in the doghouse, or arguing over the phone,
or talking about how they can't come out tonight because they've got chores, etc.

It's really nice to go through life without those problems!
But for the first year or so after the divorce, I didn't understand or appreciate that,
all I could think was how I lost her and I screwed up etc. etc.

Hope any of this helps. I feel for ya.

 

[JC]

I like the tough love JC! Reminds me of this. But as an analyst by profession, I tend to peel back the onion an extra layer. I'm not a Dr. Phil prodigy by any means.

It just chaps my ass when someone makes a unilateral decision to be unfaithful and tries to share the blame with their spouse. You want to go screw someone? Get a damned divorce first. If you don't, then stop blaming other people for your selfishness. I don't care how many layers you peel off the onion. It doesn't change reality. And there's plenty of poor suckers out there believing this crap. When the shit hits the fan the only thing an analyst will be good for is to fetch supplies for those who can actually produce something people need to stay alive. Or to make jerky out of. Analyze that!

 

[Charlie Hustle]

I had a somewhat similar experience that started my pool hiatus. I worked nights and would gamble from after work til 7 or 8 in the AM. After a particular night of a GREAT score, I drove home on cloud nine!

When I got home, there was a message on my answering machine from my dad. I called to find out my grandma was in the hospital and wasn't going to make it. I told him I was on my way (90 minute drive) and he begged me not to come because he knew I had been awake way too long and didn't want to have to worry about me as well as his mother.

Well, I never got to see grandma again and as a result, I hadn't picked up a cue in years. That day took away my enjoyment of the game. As mentioned, I'm back in pool again and loving it, but I don't gamble (big) anymore because the high of my win and the low of the message just took too much out of me to enjoy the gambling aspect.

Im sorry to hear that brother. Yea, it left such a sour taste in my mouth I couldn't even look at my pool table. (Gold Crown II in the game room)

 

[Charlie Hustle]

Wow....... I'm really sorry to read this Charlie, haveing a 23 month old son that is the center of my Universe, I can't even imagine not seeing him every single day, my heart breaks for you, regardless if it was because of a poor decision you made in the past, my heart just really breaks reading this and thinking about my son.
These is a TON of advice in this thread already, don't know wether it is good or bad advice, you will be the only one who can answer that question.

I will say that I must have ended up with the last good woman. We've been together for 17 years, been married for almost 12 years. She misses me on league night but she INSISTS that I play on league because she KNOWS I like it and, it's my own time away, and it's my time with my friends. This session I am only playing one night a week, but usually it is 2 nights a week. She doesn't mind at all and stays home with the baby. I think it bothers me more than it bothers her, because on league nights I go straight from work and I don't get to see my son at all on the nights I shoot league.

I do cue repair work at the house. I would ALMOST (notice I said ALMOST) rather sit at home and work on cues because my son LOVES to sit there and watch me. I just want to be with or be around him at every moment I have.

My wife has given up alot in her life for ME, so if came right down to it, I love my wife very much and would give up pool for her IF I had to, but she would never ask me to do it. Good luck on your decision and don't let your friends (or even forum members) make that decision for you.


After ALL that if NOTHING else works, just recite this poem to her over and over......

Roses are red
The sun is gold
Now get on your knees
And do as your told......

Most likely, she'll push you out the door to get rid of you after that. :grin:

Thanks for the kind words. And trust me it crushes my heart every day that I cant see him. I know there are some fathers our there who are ok with only seeing their children every other weekend, but that's not me. I have even told my ex that before when we were together. My parents divorced when I was 6 and my dad moved away for work when I was 15. The last thing in the world that I would wish on my son, or any child for that matter is to not have mommy and daddy at home every day. And as of right now, my ex doesn't see the big picture. I have apologized a million times and told her how selfish that I was. I told her that's no longer me, and in the end our son will suffer the same way we both did. (Her parents are divorced and her mother has been married 4 times)

 

[dorabelle]

There is room in life for both. Non pool player just don't understand pool is a bigger commitment then say going to yoga.

 

[easy-e]

There is room in life for both. Non pool player just don't understand pool is a bigger commitment then say going to yoga.

Yoga people might disagree. Any hobby can become an obsession if you want it to.

 

[SpiderWebComm]

I agree with this. If you give up a woman you love for a game than you better prepare to be a lonely guy. Who cares if your game slips a ball or two because you only get to play once a month.

I divorced my first wife (not pool-related) and it crushed me, I thought my life was over. Then I met a girl, fell in love all over again, and was married less than a year later. I hardly play pool anymore, my speed has slipped a lot, but I'd rather spend time with my wife and kids than hitting some pool balls around.

In the end you just have to pick a side and jump. Trying to have both is only going to keep you frustrated and make things worse.

Yeah, but you always play well Easy!

I think this entire thread is a microcosm of nature.

Most people who play pool, are "into" stuff. They're students of many things and enjoy learning and enjoy the feeling of something "well executed." We do these things because we either want (or need) to compete or maybe we just want to see how well can do something.

Outside of pool, some of us are into cars, some are into computers / gaming / programming, some might be into remote controlled cars or aircraft, many are into golf, and some might even love to play an instrument. Regardless of what "the thing" is that we enjoy, I'd venture to say many of the guys/girls (this thread applies to some girls, but in the opposite direction) on AZB have a drive to learn, execute, compete, analyze and revise -- regardless of what the activity is.

It's my humble opinion that someone who fits that mold (as their nature) can never be with someone who needs to be led around to be shown what to do all the time - who otherwise becomes "paralyzed" and lonely without that direction.

My brother is in that situation. He has two kids and if a kid sneezes, she machine-gun calls my brother to come home because she needs help. I don't have kids, but if I did - I'd still believe you need to give each other certain days to do their own thing with a promise of not bugging unless there's a legit emergency. I'd want her to go out with friends, go to some Zumba class, go do whatever and leave the kids with me - go have fun! Otherwise, the precedent is set where you can't have individual time, and that's like cutting the blue wire when you should have cut the black wire: pink mist.

 

[decent dennis]

Dump her . Sounds a little self absorbed and controling, not a good combination.

 

[easy-e]

Yeah, but you always play well Easy!

I think this entire thread is a microcosm of nature.

Most people who play pool, are "into" stuff. They're students of many things and enjoy learning and enjoy the feeling of something "well executed." We do these things because we either want (or need) to compete or maybe we just want to see how well can do something.

Outside of pool, some of us are into cars, some are into computers / gaming / programming, some might be into remote controlled cars or aircraft, many are into golf, and some might even love to play an instrument. Regardless of what "the thing" is that we enjoy, I'd venture to say many of the guys/girls (this thread applies to some girls, but in the opposite direction) on AZB have a drive to learn, execute, compete, analyze and revise -- regardless of what the activity is.

It's my humble opinion that someone who fits that mold (as their nature) can never be with someone who needs to be led around to be shown what to do all the time - who otherwise becomes "paralyzed" and lonely without that direction.

My brother is in that situation. He has two kids and if a kid sneezes, she machine-gun calls my brother to come home because she needs help. I don't have kids, but if I did - I'd still believe you need to give each other certain days to do their own thing with a promise of not bugging unless there's a legit emergency. I'd want her to go out with friends, go to some Zumba class, go do whatever and leave the kids with me - go have fun! Otherwise, the precedent is set where you can't have individual time, and that's like cutting the blue wire when you should have cut the black wire: pink mist.

I agree completely. Each person NEEDS their own time. I am lucky that sometimes my job sends me to places for only a few weeks at a time, so I don't pack up the family and take them with me. I just arrived in New Hampshire and will be here for a month or so, I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!!!:grin:

Sometimes marriages are beyond help. If Evan decides to cut WAAAAAY back on his pool playing, and 6 months later the problems are still there, I'd bail. But I doubt that would be the case if it's given a true effort.